Midlife Creative

When was the last time someone told you that your work mattered and you were making a difference? How did those words feel?

My business coach, Amy Elmore, sent me a voicemail this week that was so genuine and encouraging that I listened to it multiple times with a huge grin on my face. She gave specific examples of ways she had seen me grow in the 8 sessions we had together. The message she sent was transformative. It all of a sudden dawned on me how starved I had been for spoken words of encouragement like Amy had given me. I played the message for my kids and my husband. I said, “Listen to this!” like a proud youngster bringing home their first perfect spelling test.

As a softer spoken person, I don’t go out of my way to start conversations with a strangers very often. Sometimes I hesitate to share kind words or specific positive feedback because it takes courage and sometimes I just don’t feel all that courageous. There is always someone who is walking a similar path to me, but hasn’t come quite as far yet. I understand more than anyone what that person is going through. This is true for all of us.
These kindred spirits need to know that they have what it takes. You can cheer them on as they make their way over the bumps and through the dark tunnels of life.

In St Paul, we are living on the route of the Twin Cities marathon. This means that when we can wake up on October 1st, and walk outside, we will see marathon runners and hear the sound of live music, cow bells, and groups cheering fans. Watching a race of this magnitude is a powerful experience. Can you imagine running 26 miles? I can hardly run one mile, let alone 26. I’ve been watching the TC marathon for the last several years, and every single time I get tears in my eyes. It is such an emotional experience to see these runners accomplishing their dream of finishing the race they have worked so hard to run. This year I get to cheer on my dear friend Brooke who is running her first marathon.

We have the opportunity every single day to cheer on our loved ones, neighbors, and co-workers. We have the opportunity to help them see in themselves what we have seen in them all along. Instead of keeping your thoughts to yourself, why not share them? Tell your loved one or co-worker or neighbor the good things you see in them and how proud of them you are. You just never know where those words will land and the impact they might make. Your words really do matter.

I just finished reading a book called How Do You Like Your Eggs? by Autumn Lynne.
It’s a book for those of us who have trouble making decisions and knowing what we want. It’s a part memoir, part self-help book. The author provides exercises and journal prompts for readers who are feeling stuck in life. She offers a bold and beautiful way out of people pleasing and into living a life of deeper satisfaction. One of the suggestions she gives is to make a bucket list of things you want to do within a certain timeframe. It could be 50 things before 50 like I am choosing to do, or 20 things in the next year. The important part is that it is manageable, realistic, and able to be completed within the time frame. My instagram friend, Monica was the one who told me about the book and inspired me when she sharing her own list.

You can find my list of 50 Things I Want to Try Before I Turn 50 below. I turned 45 this year, so I have 5 years to complete everything on the list. If you have expertise or interest in trying one with me, hop on board! I can’t do this alone. Better yet, make your own list. and let’s cheer each other on in stepping out of our comfort zones and trying new things.

MY 50 BEFORE 50 LIST

1. Play pickleball
2. Go horseback riding
3. Learn how to make 3 mixed drinks
4. Visit 5 National Parks
5. Go back to Madilyn Island and jump off the rocks
6. Visit Glacier National Park in Montana
7. Get a pedicure
8. Pick flowers on a farm and arrange a bouquet
9. Ride on a tractor
10. Go to a piano teacher retreat
11. Write a book
12. Visit a new apple orchard
13. Let my hair go gray
14. Buy a house
15. Try Ethiopian food
16. Plant a veggie garden every summer
17. Fly in a private plane
18. Take a hot air balloon ride
19. Go to a Broadway show in New York City
20. Visit 3 State Parks along the North Shore in Minnesota
21. Climb a mountain
22. Take a creative writing class
23. Sing Handels Messiah with a group
24. Take voice lessons
25. Visit a Jewish Synagogue
26. Be a part of a cookie exchange
27. Ride a tandem bicycle
28. Complete a cross stitch project
29. Go tubing down a river
30. Go to another state fair besides Minnesota
31. Sleep in a boat overnight
32. Take a trip with Elliot and Tabby
33. Travel somewhere by myself
34. Go on a 24 hour silent retreat
35. Visit the Swedish Institute of MN
36. Visit the MN Landscape Arboretum
37. Go strawberry picking
38. Go snow shoeing
39. Attend the amateur talent show at the MN State Fair
40. Visit Big Sur in California
41. Make homemade pickles
42. Join a fiction book club
43. Visit another country besides the U.S. with Mark
44. Go to a concert with Mark
45. Serve a meal at a homeless shelter
46. Go fishing
47. Take my nieces and nephews on an outing
48. Take an aunt or uncle out to lunch
49. Buy myself a piece of art
50. Go cross country skiing

Now it’s your turn. Which things on my list appeal to you? Is there one that you could help me to complete? Do you have your own bucket list?

This phrase is one that Mark shared with me years ago, and I keep going back to it because it feels like it has become a good mantra for life.

“Let go, say no, go slow”

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up hope or quitting. It means realizing that there are things that are beyond your control. Can you control the opinions of others? Can you control what someone thinks about you or how they respond to you? Can you control the decisions others make or how they choose to spend their time or money? Can you control the way they eat, drink, or talk about other people?
My spouse and children help me practice this one the most. Every single day I have opportunities to let go of what I can’t control.

Saying No used to be hard for me, but the more I do it the better I get at it. Here are some examples of a few things I consistently find myself saying no to.

“No, I don’t take students on Fridays”.

“No, make-up lessons are not guaranteed.”

“No, I am not able to come to an event that is an hour away and involves driving through Friday rush hour.”

“No, I will not be able to join the PTA or chaperone field trips.”

Going Slow is counter-cultural where I live. I’ve realized this more than ever after returning from a 6 month road-trip where I had fewer responsibilities and long unplanned days. When I work hard during the week, I want a lot of open space on the weekends to “just be” and allow for “spontaneous adventures”. I was raised in a small town where sitting on the front porch and waving to the neighbors walking by was considered entertainment. One of my piano student families let their kids dig a giant hole in their front yard which provided the kids with hours of free entertainment. Since the hole looked a little out of place on their city street, the mom apologized for the mess, admitting her fear of judgement. I laughed and said, It reminds me of my own childhood. We had a neighborhood digging club too. It was the best!

Do you find yourself wishing that life would slow down a little? Maybe you wish you had a few more free days with nothing scheduled on the calendar? Or maybe you love being busy and get bored when there is “nothing to do” like a couple of my kids who are constantly asking. “What are we DOING today?”

It takes all types of personalities to make the world go round and we each have our own limits when it comes to the pace of life we choose. I hope you can find what works for you and embrace it fully. Let go, say no, and if it suits you….go slow.

Here are a few photos from my slow day today at Lake of the Isles and Eloise Butler Flower Gardens.

John 1:14 says “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” In the message translation it says “The Word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood.”

We just moved into the Summit Hill neighborhood of St Paul. This is one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the city. Many of the homes are valued at over a million dollars. We live in a carriage house behind a mansion. Back in the early 1900’s, carriage houses were used for servants and to keep the horses. Our carriage house literally looks like a barn from the outside. It is about the same size as our old house, but all on one level and with two large bedrooms instead of four smaller ones. Our three girls all share a bedroom.

This week, Mark and I attended a gathering of Christians from many walks of life who are looking to be good neighbors in the Twin Cities. This group was called a neighborhood collective. We met at a noisy food hall called Malcolm Yards in Minneapolis and had a very transformative conversation about what it means to truly inhabit your neighborhood. I came away asking myself, “What do I have to offer my new neighborhood on Summit Avenue?”

Because the houses are so much larger than in our old neighborhood and further from the street, I’ve felt a bit disconnected and haven’t had the chance to talk to any of the residents.
In West 7th, we knew who lived in the houses on our block and carried on daily conversations with people out on walks. Since moving to Summit, I have felt isolated and lonely.

Today Ivy begged to have a lemonade stand and I said Yes. After just a few minutes out front, we started attracting customers. What is it that makes people stop and buy a glass of artificially flavored sugar water from a kid? It’s like a magic spell that draws in anyone and everyone.

Because Summit is a popular walking area as well as a busy street, we got lots of customers. Many of the people who stopped were neighbors. They were so friendly and willing to stop and get to know us. It was kind of amazing how easy it was.
One elderly man proudly rattled off the names of everyone who lived on the block on both sides. Then he apologized for talking too much and I joked that I would know who to ask if I needed the inside scoop on the neighborhood. A teacher a few houses down was walking with her dog and apologized about not having any money along to buy lemonade. “I’ll come back,” she said. And sure enough she did. A family who attends the Catholic School down the street where my girls will go next year stopped by and introduced themselves. Another neighbor and his son from across the street came over and chatted awhile. The whole time I kept marveling at how normal it felt. I was the one making it weird by thinking I didn’t fit in the neighborhood or wasn’t fancy or rich enough to relate. These were just people. Normal people. The stereotypes I had invented in my head were not altogether real.

As a family who is struggling to make ends meet, it feels weird to be surrounded by wealth. Some days I ask myself, “why are we here?” But then, like today, God whispers in my ear: “Just wait. Watch me work. I have some really good things coming for you.”
And I say, “Ok, God. May your will be done. Make me an instrument of your peace.”

What is Home?
After being in 22 States and 25 different host homes over the past 6 months, coming back to one place has been a little disorienting. After the initial rush of unpacking and grocery shopping and settling into our carriage house rental on Summit Avenue in St Paul, the reality of “normal life” is hitting me.

We aren’t going on another trip next week.
We don’t have to pack again.
Who even are our friends now?
Where are we going to go to church?
What schools will the girls attend or will we continue homeschooling?
How will we spend our days staying in one place for the foreseeable future?
So many questions to sort through.
This trip across the country that we have been focusing on for SO long is FINALLY OVER. I thought I’d be more happy about it, but the reality is, I’m kind of sad it’s over.

Everyone is SO BUSY
The biggest difference that I noticed upon returning was how NOT busy we are. Everybody else seems to be running around like crazy people. They wear their busyness like a badge and laugh about how crazy “May-vember” is (comparing May to December because of the number of school programs, graduations, family gatherings, and sporting events).
I have been out of this rat race for so long, and have forgotten what it is like. I HATE being busy so much so that one of my Rules of Life is:

Walk, don’t run, through life

Homeschooling has been a great way to take things slower this year. Most kids we know are getting up early, packing lunches, and hurrying off to school and then after school activities. In contrast, we have had slow mornings, simple routines, and lots of time for exploring outdoors in the afternoons.
I won’t continue homeschooling next year for the simple reason that my kids love going to a school and being with other kids, but if they loved homeschooling, I would strongly consider continuing. It’s not that one is bad and another is better, it’s just I notice more than ever that fitting in with the busy life around me comes with a cost.

I can finally articulate what I feel strongly about

Something I’ve noticed since coming home is that my beliefs have become clearer and stronger. I have grown to love the gay, lesbian, and transgender community and realized how much Jesus wants them included and embraced in our churches and families. What has brought me to this realization? My own two oldest kids and most of their friends identify as part of this community. I have joined a parents of transgender kids support group and have realized that supporting these young people and giving them a place of belonging in a church family, if that is what they choose, is really important. This is difficult because the circles that I have found myself a part of in the past don’t hold these same beliefs. They want to say “all are welcome” but the fact there are no gay couples or transgender people in these churches tells me there is a disconnect somewhere. There is a reason why very few LGBTQ friends (at least those who have come out publicly) become members of evangelical churches. I want to be a part of a better story, because I think that is what Jesus would do.

I want my Yes to be a Resounding “YES!” And not a reluctant whisper of an “ok, I guess.”

On the trip, I got to do a lot of self reflection. I realized that I am a people pleaser and often say “Yes” to things simply to make others happy when everything inside me wants to say “NO Way!” I am a chameleon that changes the way I talk and act based on who I am with in the moment.

I had a dream one night on the trip that opened my eyes to this tendency in me to give too much. In the dream, I pulled out my two front teeth and sent them in the mail to my oldest child. When Mark asked me why I did that, I said “because my child needed my teeth”. Then I looked in the mirror and said “what have I done? I don’t have any teeth!!” Through this dream I realized that I want to give everything to my kids, but some of these sacrifices will leave me feeling resentful and may not even serve my kids well. In the dream, I actually thought that my permanent teeth that I pulled out and gave away would grow back. In reality, they didn’t grow back. They were gone. What is the difference between sacrificial giving and giving too much at the expense of my personal health or well being? I was reminded of this again this week when someone said to me, “Go where you are needed and you will never miss the YES from God”. I don’t think I believe this. I would rather respond with:

“The need is not always the calling”.

There are many times when there is a need and it is not my need to fill. I have already been asked since coming back to be a soccer coach, a volleyball coach, join a church, become a board member for an organization, and the list goes on. Knowing what to say yes and no to is a lifelong art that I we can always get better at. One thing I know more than ever is that I want the things I say YES to to truly light me up and energize me.
I have promised myself that if asked to SPEAK PUBLICLY: whether that be online or in person, I will say YES. This is for a season, because God has told me that I need to overcome my fear of public speaking and the only way to do that is through practice. I have been on two podcasts so far and been asked to speak at a piano teacher event next year. These are HUGE steps for someone who has been terrified to speak in front of an audience of any kind.
Another thing I have told myself I will say YES to is writing. I’d like to write a book about our trip. I’m not sure how to go about doing this, but I trust that it will take shape as I am diligent to make it known and put in the work.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts as I process what it’s like to come back home from 6 months of road trip life. Do you resonate with any of these lessons I’m learning?

Do you want to slow down and learn to not be so busy?

Have you realized a strong belief you hold or beliefs you once held that are no longer helpful?

Do you have trouble saying No to the requests of others? Or maybe you have trouble saying Yes to something that’s been in your heart to do for a long time?

Tell me about it in the comments or send me a personal message, and let’s chat.

When I became a mother, I didn’t know that my love for my child would not lessen as they aged.   My love would not take breaks when they left home.   My love would not grow cold when my children became distant or seemed not to care.  There would never be a day I wouldn’t think about my kids.   Never a day I would not be their mom.  

As my kids grow older and change, I change along with them.   This is something I didn’t expect.  Growth and change can happen so gradually that you don’t notice it until you remember glimpses of your younger self.  I don’t care about the same things I used to.   The things that used to bother me don’t anymore.   

This winter, on a cold night around a fire pit, I had a moment of revelation.   I realized that I had spent most of the first two decades of being a parent full of fear and worry.   Fear ruled my days and my nights.   If I made big mistakes, would my decisions drastically affect my kids’ futures?   Would something horrible happen if I didn’t protect them?  Would I be seen as too strict or too lenient , depending on who was watching?  I feared a mental health unraveling, unexplained ailments, and urgent care visits.   I feared my kids being bullied, rejected by their peers, or misunderstood.   I feared they might choose the wrong school, the wrong friend group, the wrong job, the wrong college.   This parenting out of fear made life miserable; especially as my kids got older and made decisions that were out of my control.   

I had to forgive myself, that night by the fire, for letting fear rule me for so long.   

There were other fears that paralyzed me besides just those involving my kids.  I had to name those fears and let them all go.   

Only when I let go of my fears could I truly be free.   This letting go is not a one time thing.    It is a conscious daily choice.   We choose to love, and part of that loving is letting go.