Midlife Creative

What is Home?
After being in 22 States and 25 different host homes over the past 6 months, coming back to one place has been a little disorienting. After the initial rush of unpacking and grocery shopping and settling into our carriage house rental on Summit Avenue in St Paul, the reality of “normal life” is hitting me.

We aren’t going on another trip next week.
We don’t have to pack again.
Who even are our friends now?
Where are we going to go to church?
What schools will the girls attend or will we continue homeschooling?
How will we spend our days staying in one place for the foreseeable future?
So many questions to sort through.
This trip across the country that we have been focusing on for SO long is FINALLY OVER. I thought I’d be more happy about it, but the reality is, I’m kind of sad it’s over.

Everyone is SO BUSY
The biggest difference that I noticed upon returning was how NOT busy we are. Everybody else seems to be running around like crazy people. They wear their busyness like a badge and laugh about how crazy “May-vember” is (comparing May to December because of the number of school programs, graduations, family gatherings, and sporting events).
I have been out of this rat race for so long, and have forgotten what it is like. I HATE being busy so much so that one of my Rules of Life is:

Walk, don’t run, through life

Homeschooling has been a great way to take things slower this year. Most kids we know are getting up early, packing lunches, and hurrying off to school and then after school activities. In contrast, we have had slow mornings, simple routines, and lots of time for exploring outdoors in the afternoons.
I won’t continue homeschooling next year for the simple reason that my kids love going to a school and being with other kids, but if they loved homeschooling, I would strongly consider continuing. It’s not that one is bad and another is better, it’s just I notice more than ever that fitting in with the busy life around me comes with a cost.

I can finally articulate what I feel strongly about

Something I’ve noticed since coming home is that my beliefs have become clearer and stronger. I have grown to love the gay, lesbian, and transgender community and realized how much Jesus wants them included and embraced in our churches and families. What has brought me to this realization? My own two oldest kids and most of their friends identify as part of this community. I have joined a parents of transgender kids support group and have realized that supporting these young people and giving them a place of belonging in a church family, if that is what they choose, is really important. This is difficult because the circles that I have found myself a part of in the past don’t hold these same beliefs. They want to say “all are welcome” but the fact there are no gay couples or transgender people in these churches tells me there is a disconnect somewhere. There is a reason why very few LGBTQ friends (at least those who have come out publicly) become members of evangelical churches. I want to be a part of a better story, because I think that is what Jesus would do.

I want my Yes to be a Resounding “YES!” And not a reluctant whisper of an “ok, I guess.”

On the trip, I got to do a lot of self reflection. I realized that I am a people pleaser and often say “Yes” to things simply to make others happy when everything inside me wants to say “NO Way!” I am a chameleon that changes the way I talk and act based on who I am with in the moment.

I had a dream one night on the trip that opened my eyes to this tendency in me to give too much. In the dream, I pulled out my two front teeth and sent them in the mail to my oldest child. When Mark asked me why I did that, I said “because my child needed my teeth”. Then I looked in the mirror and said “what have I done? I don’t have any teeth!!” Through this dream I realized that I want to give everything to my kids, but some of these sacrifices will leave me feeling resentful and may not even serve my kids well. In the dream, I actually thought that my permanent teeth that I pulled out and gave away would grow back. In reality, they didn’t grow back. They were gone. What is the difference between sacrificial giving and giving too much at the expense of my personal health or well being? I was reminded of this again this week when someone said to me, “Go where you are needed and you will never miss the YES from God”. I don’t think I believe this. I would rather respond with:

“The need is not always the calling”.

There are many times when there is a need and it is not my need to fill. I have already been asked since coming back to be a soccer coach, a volleyball coach, join a church, become a board member for an organization, and the list goes on. Knowing what to say yes and no to is a lifelong art that I we can always get better at. One thing I know more than ever is that I want the things I say YES to to truly light me up and energize me.
I have promised myself that if asked to SPEAK PUBLICLY: whether that be online or in person, I will say YES. This is for a season, because God has told me that I need to overcome my fear of public speaking and the only way to do that is through practice. I have been on two podcasts so far and been asked to speak at a piano teacher event next year. These are HUGE steps for someone who has been terrified to speak in front of an audience of any kind.
Another thing I have told myself I will say YES to is writing. I’d like to write a book about our trip. I’m not sure how to go about doing this, but I trust that it will take shape as I am diligent to make it known and put in the work.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts as I process what it’s like to come back home from 6 months of road trip life. Do you resonate with any of these lessons I’m learning?

Do you want to slow down and learn to not be so busy?

Have you realized a strong belief you hold or beliefs you once held that are no longer helpful?

Do you have trouble saying No to the requests of others? Or maybe you have trouble saying Yes to something that’s been in your heart to do for a long time?

Tell me about it in the comments or send me a personal message, and let’s chat.

When I became a mother, I didn’t know that my love for my child would not lessen as they aged.   My love would not take breaks when they left home.   My love would not grow cold when my children became distant or seemed not to care.  There would never be a day I wouldn’t think about my kids.   Never a day I would not be their mom.  

As my kids grow older and change, I change along with them.   This is something I didn’t expect.  Growth and change can happen so gradually that you don’t notice it until you remember glimpses of your younger self.  I don’t care about the same things I used to.   The things that used to bother me don’t anymore.   

This winter, on a cold night around a fire pit, I had a moment of revelation.   I realized that I had spent most of the first two decades of being a parent full of fear and worry.   Fear ruled my days and my nights.   If I made big mistakes, would my decisions drastically affect my kids’ futures?   Would something horrible happen if I didn’t protect them?  Would I be seen as too strict or too lenient , depending on who was watching?  I feared a mental health unraveling, unexplained ailments, and urgent care visits.   I feared my kids being bullied, rejected by their peers, or misunderstood.   I feared they might choose the wrong school, the wrong friend group, the wrong job, the wrong college.   This parenting out of fear made life miserable; especially as my kids got older and made decisions that were out of my control.   

I had to forgive myself, that night by the fire, for letting fear rule me for so long.   

There were other fears that paralyzed me besides just those involving my kids.  I had to name those fears and let them all go.   

Only when I let go of my fears could I truly be free.   This letting go is not a one time thing.    It is a conscious daily choice.   We choose to love, and part of that loving is letting go.