Letting Go
When I became a mother, I didn’t know that my love for my child would not lessen as they aged. My love would not take breaks when they left home. My love would not grow cold when my children became distant or seemed not to care. There would never be a day I wouldn’t think about my kids. Never a day I would not be their mom.
As my kids grow older and change, I change along with them. This is something I didn’t expect. Growth and change can happen so gradually that you don’t notice it until you remember glimpses of your younger self. I don’t care about the same things I used to. The things that used to bother me don’t anymore.
This winter, on a cold night around a fire pit, I had a moment of revelation. I realized that I had spent most of the first two decades of being a parent full of fear and worry. Fear ruled my days and my nights. If I made big mistakes, would my decisions drastically affect my kids’ futures? Would something horrible happen if I didn’t protect them? Would I be seen as too strict or too lenient , depending on who was watching? I feared a mental health unraveling, unexplained ailments, and urgent care visits. I feared my kids being bullied, rejected by their peers, or misunderstood. I feared they might choose the wrong school, the wrong friend group, the wrong job, the wrong college. This parenting out of fear made life miserable; especially as my kids got older and made decisions that were out of my control.
I had to forgive myself, that night by the fire, for letting fear rule me for so long.
There were other fears that paralyzed me besides just those involving my kids. I had to name those fears and let them all go.
Only when I let go of my fears could I truly be free. This letting go is not a one time thing. It is a conscious daily choice. We choose to love, and part of that loving is letting go.
