A Complicated Christmas

      A parable about loss, time, and chance

The skating rink on the corner of Prospect and Main was bustling with families, couples, and students from the nearby college decked out in Christmas sweaters and Santa hats.  A group of carolers dressed like elves sang “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” next to the coffee and bagel cart on the corner.  Shoppers hurried in and out of the Macy’s store, juggling their boxes and bags of gifts, hurrying home to do their wrapping.  It was the day before Christmas and the city was alive with holiday cheer. 

A minivan with a tree tied to the top made its way through the stop light, and onto the freeway.  The family in the car – husband, wife, 10-year-old son, and 2-year-old daughter were headed back to their beautifully decorated home in the suburbs.  They had waited until the last minute to get their tree at the farmers market this year instead of cutting down their own. Life had taken an unexpected turn when the husband was laid off from work.  His wife had not taken the news well and had fallen into anxiety and depression over the past three weeks since receiving the news.  They would both try to pull themselves together for Christmas, for the sake of the kids.  Their gifts would include the things on their lists as well as a surprise – a puppy.   

________

On that same corner sat a homeless man, dressed in patched jeans and carrying a cardboard sign that read: In Crisis. Anything Helps.  The man sat on the bench by the bus stop, watching the families skate, and listening to the sound of the carolers under the softly lit pine trees.  The sun had begun to set, and a damp chill darkened his mood.  “These damn shoes,” he complained.  The hole near the toe of his black boot had grown bigger since yesterday, and his socks were now wet.  Tonight, he would make his way back to the shelter in hopes of a meal of something other than chicken soup.  Maybe turkey or ham for the holiday?  He was hoping for a gift from a stranger to buy a Christmas gift for his daughter.  Was it too much to hope he might see her tomorrow?  His ex-wife had recently remarried and started a blended family with a man who seemed to have done quite well for himself as a banker.  The homeless man thought back on the last few years and the countless times he had broken the trust of his first love.  Addiction had ruined his chances of a normal relationship.  It would be a miracle if she granted him even an hour with his daughter. 

__________

High above the city square, in the 12-story building next to Macy’s, was an apartment where 75-year-old widow, Joan, lived with her cat, Juju.  She didn’t have many decorations, just a one-foot fake Christmas tree with a few candy canes hung from its branches.  Her daughter had a life and family of her own.  She hadn’t visited her in years, and neither reached out to the other.  The last time she had seen her was five years ago at her husband Bill’s funeral.  Joan was quiet and kept to herself.  It’s not that she had a problem with people; she just didn’t always know what to say to strangers.  

“Maybe I’ll make something special for Christmas Eve dinner?” she thought to herself.  Bill’s favorite was roast beef with carrots and mashed potatoes, but it seemed extravagant to make a meal like that for one person.  Instead, Joan ended up walking to Betty’s Cafe on the corner where she ordered her usual – a hot beef commercial.  

“I’ll take a piece of blueberry pie tonight, too,” she told Betty.  Why not?  It’s Christmas”

Betty was always there to take her order and she considered her a friend.  Betty’s Cafe was one of the only places where she was spoken to by name.  

On top of running the restaurant, Betty lived with a mother who was battling dementia.  She was a good soul and a hard worker; the kind of daughter that Joan would have liked to have.  

___________

Also overlooking the skating rink on that busy corner of the city was St Mark’s hospital.  Looking down from her hospital window on the 8th floor was 45-year old Patricia.  It sure was a shame that she would be spending Christmas in a hospital bed.  She wondered which nurse would be working tonight and felt bad they would be giving up their holiday.  Patricia was recently divorced and had relocated to the city for a job.  A few coworkers had taken her out for karaoke one night before she had suffered her stroke.  Those same co-workers had sent her a signed card, a plant, and a box of chocolates.  Other than this kind gesture, she doubted she would hear from them.  Her brother and his wife lived in a nearby suburb.  Upon moving closeby, she assumed she would see or hear from them more often, but had only seen them once in the past year.  It’s a pity she had never been invited to their house.  

___________

Among a group of college students at the skating rink is good looking and happy go lucky, Max.  Finals are finally over and the feeling of relief brings a reason to celebrate. Max is thankful that the countless late nights of studying are over and he can just chill for a few weeks.  He has decided to take up his housemate’s invitation to stay in the city to celebrate Christmas.  His Dad has remarried and lives with the family in the suburbs.  

“Dad told me they are giving their kids a puppy for Christmas this year, and it sounds like they won’t miss me,” he told his roommate as they skated around the rink.  Things had been awkward since Max told his Dad that he was gay and had a boyfriend.  He could tell that his coming out was a big surprise and a disappointment to his dad.  They never had much in common to talk about, and now it would feel even more so.  

___________

These snapshots are all surprisingly related.  Each person’s story is intertwined with the first family – the husband, wife, and two kids.  In that car, carrying the Christmas tree, is the young daughter of the homeless man.  If the man with the sign would have turned his head at the moment the van passed, he may have seen his daughter smiling at him from her car seat.

The widow in the high-rise apartment happens to be the mother of the woman in the van.  They haven’t spoken to one another for five years.  It’s unclear why the daughter doesn’t have an interest in a relationship with her mother.  Maybe there is a misunderstanding between them?  Just five minutes after the van left the neighborhood with the Christmas tree, Joan walked down that same street on her way to eat at the cafe.  If she would have been 5 minutes earlier, she may have had a surprise meeting with her estranged daughter.

The man in the car has a sister he hasn’t seen in a while named Patricia.  She is the one who is spending Christmas in the hospital.  He knows his sister has moved to the city for work, but they haven’t spoken, and he has no idea she is sick.  

The college student, Max, is the man’s son from his first marriage.  Max decided to go skating with his friends very near where his dad was picking out a Christmas tree at the downtown farmers market.  In fact, just an hour before the family was paying for their tree, Max was at the same farmers market buying some candied nuts, which made him think of his dad.  Max had been wishing he felt more comfortable calling his dad just to chat while he was on break from classes and finally had some extra time.

The man in the car, caught up in his own crisis of job loss and his wife’s anxiety, is unaware that his sister is looking down at him from her hospital room, his son skating within a block of the farmers market, and his mother-in-law getting ready to walk the same street to the cafe.  He has forgotten, or maybe doesn’t realize that his sister is lonely, and that his son wishes they could talk.  His wife doesn’t understand that her daughter’s birth father and her own mother would give anything to be granted an hour with the family this Christmas. 

These family members were all within minutes of a chance meeting, yet fate didn’t allow them the opportunity – at least this time.  On another day with another set of circumstances, maybe things would have been different. 

What’s Your Hospitality Hang-up?

Excuses We Tell Ourselves to Avoid Having Company Over

My Pastor, Eric, at Summit Church has been encouraging us to invite people over for a meal or coffee. Hospitality has always been something I’m excited about, so I’ve been asking myself, “Why do I so rarely invite people over?”

What are the excuses I find to avoid hosting? I thought I’d share a few in case it might help others who have similar hangups.

Over Thinking – I overthink almost everything. Who should I invite? What if they say No? What if they say Yes? What if my space isn’t large enough? What if we don’t have enough chairs? What would we eat? What if I don’t make enough food and we run out? What if they have food allergies? What if their kids don’t get along with my kids? What if my house is messy? What if we run out of things to talk about?

Ok. You get the idea. I haven’t even asked anyone to come over yet, and my brain is already overloaded with “What ifs.”

Here’s the deal. People just want to be invited. They don’t care what you serve or what your house looks like or even the reason for the visit. They just want to be invited – to feel like they belong. I can offer that belonging. Yes, that is definitely something I can do and do well. How about you? Do you want your home to be a place of welcome? Do you want to create a space where people can open up and share their stories?

Let me encourage you with a few things I’ve learned from the times I’ve said “Yes” to hosting.

Go with your first instinct. Do you have to know much about the person to invite them? No. Do you have to have a plan for what will happen during your time together or how you will follow it up? No.

What gets scheduled is more likely to get done. I can think about something forever, but until it’s on the calendar, it usually doesn’t happen.

One of the biggest reasons I don’t invite people over is I struggle with what to cook. Is there one thing you love to make that you do well? Do that. Make the same thing every time and don’t feel bad about it. Not into cooking? Order some pizzas and have everyone chip in to cover the cost. Do you feel like food is a hindrance for some reason? Schedule your get together when it’s not mealtime. You could serve tea, coffee, a simple snack like popcorn or ice cream sundaes, or nothing at all.

Don’t get hung up on needing a “Purpose” for the get together. I often feel like I need to have a reason to have someone over. That’s simply not the case. When we give up control of the reason for the gathering, we can let things unfold naturally and be surprised.

Make hosting a regular part of your life and not something you only do on special occasions. Mark and I have decided to make Friday nights our regular “company night”

The more you do it, the easier and more natural it becomes. Do you feel overwhelmed by the thought of hosting? Find someone who finds it easy and ask them to help you get started. Don’t compare yourself to them though. Beginners should never compare themselves to someone who has mastery of something. This applies to hospitality as much as anything.

Be careful not to compare your home to someone else’s or apologize for the home you currently live in. We have always lived in very small places. Once we invited a pastor and his wife to our small duplex in South Minneapolis and I began apologizing, saying “I’m sorry our place is so small” The pastor’s wife gave me a strong but loving reprimand saying, “This home is a gift to you and don’t you dare apologize.” I’ve been to peoples’ houses where we have put blankets on the floor and sat picnic style. I’ve never been put off by a small space. Sometimes it means we can’t stay quite as long, but I’ve always walked away grateful for the invitation.

I’m guessing there are some people who cannot host for various reasons. If this is you, what about inviting someone to a park or public space? Maybe you could partner up with someone else who has the space to host, and you provide some of the food, do the inviting, or help with the cleanup.

In summary, figure out what YOUR excuses and hangups are. What is preventing you from seeing your home as a welcoming place to invite others? Talk through your hangups with a trusted friend if you need some clarity. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. If hospitality is something you feel strongly about, it’s time to make a move. Decide who to invite and set a date. If they say no, don’t give up – ask someone else. Don’t overthink the details. Go with your gut and BE YOURSELF. Starting something new is the hardest part. Once you get the hospitality train going, who knows where it will take you.