Midlife Creative

Following the shooting of Daunte Wright.

Today a fresh wave of pain and unrest blanketed Minneapolis after the shooting of 18 year old Daunte Wright. It is yet another day when black men will ask themselves “Am I safe? Will this happen to me?” Another day when mothers of black sons wonder if the next one to be killed will be their son.

I often hear people debating in times like this whether the officer was to blame or whether the victim was “a criminal” and was deserving of their fate. Many respond with “I need to see the video or get all the facts before I can form an opinion. I need to know more about the person who was shot before I know how bad I should feel about it.” I personally believe that no one deserves to die, no matter who they are or what they have done. Nobody deserves to be killed.

This is my prayer today.

I feel so grieved right now.
I see the mix of fear, anger, and weariness that the black community is experiencing.
I see the protesters and mourners, flooding the streets, and imagine you, Jesus, standing among them.
Why am I so quick to form an opinion based on human sources? Why not go to you, my heavenly source? Why do I care more about the safety of my property that is here today and gone tomorrow than for the cries of the unheard?

I open my ears to listen and my mouth to admit when I’ve been wrong, prideful, and ignorant. Throughout my life, I have knowingly and unknowingly upheld white supremacy and put people into categories based on the color of their skin. I admit that I have not been willing to step outside of my comfortable fence and beyond my white neighborhood and white friends. I admit that I have been unwilling to change and daily feel the “need to be right”.
Teach me to live alongside people that don’t look like me, talk like me, or think like me. This includes those who I don’t understand. This includes your beautiful creations who are queer, non-binary, and transgender. This includes those whose hearts are full of hate. This includes EVERYONE WITH A HEARTBEAT.

Your love for ALL is wider and deeper than we can ever imagine, but help me to know a taste of it, so that this love can overflow to others.

I grieve alongside the black community today. I don’t pretend to understand, but I do feel the weight of their accumulated losses. Jesus, wrap your arms around them right now and bring justice and healing. Correct me, soften my heart, and if I can be a part of bringing people together to do the hard work of healing reconciliation, I say yes.

My friend Annette, who has 4 grown adult children, calls the years of elementary school “the gravy years”. These are the years when parents are through the potty training and sleep deprived infant and toddler stage and before puberty and teen drama arrive.

My husband and I are enjoying “the gravy years” now with our 7 and 10 year olds. We had our first two kids, now 17 and 19, when we were newly married. The first time around, I don’t think we fully appreciated those years. I spent most of my time worrying about whether I was doing things wrong and comparing myself to an unachievable ideal in my mind. I didn’t realize what I had when I had it, how fast those years would go by, and how much I would miss them when they were gone.

There are some great things about having teenagers too, and I’m sure I will miss these years as well someday, but there is just something about witnessing the elementary years a second time around.

Here’s what I love about these “gravy years”.

1. We tuck the kids into bed each night with snuggle time, reading, and telling stories about the day. It’s nice to know they will sleep through the night (more than they used to)

2. They aren’t embarrassed to be around us parents and they enjoy time with family.

3. Travel is much easier than when they were little. We can hop in the car and drive a few hours without complaint. There are less stops and booster seats are so much easier than infant seats.

4. We know their friends and their friends’ parents. They are home before 9pm and we always know where they are and who they are with.

5.. We can eat in a restaurant again without a highchair.

6. No more diaper bag!

7. The kids can stay with Grandparents or a babysitter so that mom and dad can have date nights and an occasional getaway!

What are your favorite things about the elementary years?

Today I planned out my day perfectly to get everything done. I had a haircut, chiropractor appointment, stop at the grocery store, and then the exact amount of time to make a pan of lasagne before leaving to teach piano lessons. I assembled the lasagne and went to put it in the fridge. My hand slipped and the lasagne toppled to the floor.

In that moment I was so angry. I swore repeatedly and then carried on in such a way that brought Mark and the two older girls to the kitchen to see what in God’s name happened!

Mark told me he would clean it up and then I went into the living room and sat in my favorite chair and cried and cried. That was when I realized, “This is about more than a pan of lasagne”. I asked myself what was going on and realized that “It’s ok to not be ok” and “it’s ok to not do everything perfectly”.
I didn’t have time to sit and cry any longer, I had 20 minutes to prep for the day’s lessons. One of my teenage students had asked to play “Sweet Child O Mine” by Guns and Roses. Since I grew up on a singular dose of Christian music, I had no idea how the song went, so I had to get myself caught up. I started playing, and of course my DJ, music loving husband comes running in and says “Is that Sweet Child O Mine?”

He proceeded to ask me if I’d listened to the lyrics. I had not. He said, “I think this is God’s message for you right now. This song is for you.” It was true and I cried a little more and then went off to lessons and told my student about the connection between a pan of dropped lasagne and his song and he looked at me with a polite, but confused look, and then we carried on with the lesson

It’s funny how life catches up with you in strange ways like dropping a pan of lasagne. I thought I was “fine” and then that simple event made me realize I’m not “fine”.

After a conversation with a wise counselor tonight, I’ve realized that there are a few changes I need to make.

#1. I am no longer going to put pressure on myself to make meals ahead of time for my family on weeknights when I’m teaching.
#2. It’s time to go get some therapy to talk through what’s been bothering me.
#3. It’s ok to not do things with my own family the way my family growing up did them.

And probably my favorite lesson of all is – Jesus can speak through anything and anyone – even Guns and Roses!

Have you ever gotten some news that felt like being run over by a truck because you didn’t see it coming? Maybe you found out someone you loved had cancer or another life-threatening illness. Maybe you discovered someone was lying to you and keeping a secret? Do you remember a day you lost your job or your house? Did you have a miscarriage or another sudden loss.

We can all pinpoint these moments when life surprises us in the worst of ways. These surprises can cause us to question God.
When life throws you a curve ball, you can respond in many ways. Anger, fear, confusion, sadness. But, can I just say that sometimes the best response is:

Go take a nap.

Today I slept very hard for a long time, and I woke up feeling like a new person.

Rest is not a cop out. It’s not a weak response. Rest is what we need.

Even if you are not dealing with bad news or going through a crisis, rest is what you need. God commands that we rest every seven days. He calls it the sabbath. So many times, Christians use their day of rest to rush about “serving” and “worshipping together” but not really resting. What can you do to truly Rest today?

This week I decided that the cold couldn’t stop me from a daily walk. I discovered snow pants and a scarf that covered my whole face (game changer!) Walking is by far my most important daily rhythm

Walking is when I make sense of life. As I walk, my body and mind begin to click and after about 20 minutes, my scattered and frustrated thoughts begin to shift. The things that don’t matter float to the background and the things that do matter float to the front of my mind. Walking is prayer for me. Sometimes I talk to God while I walk and other times I don’t. Sometimes I sing, sometimes I worry and wonder about people in my life, and sometimes I just think about how cold it is and how I wish I could be on the beach.

After too much time inside endlessly scrolling through Facebook and playing never ending games of Words With Friends; a walk in the cold has been like a slap in the face to wake me out my lethargy. A lethargy from a lack of human connection. The kind of lack that you know is there, but isn’t bad enough for you to actually reach out and do something about it.

I expect some of you have had a long winter. The last few weeks of below zero temps have pushed us into a dark basement of the winter blues. With a loss of our usual social routines in Minnesota that get us through winter like potluck soup suppers, and bowling nights, birthday parties, retreats, chili cook-offs, theater performances, and recitals, we are left to an endless string of nights of Netflix and days of managing our emotions and the emotions of those who lean on us for support.

On my last walk this week, I had a very clear thought that I want to share with you, dear reader. It was so clear, it was almost like a voice from heaven delivered it. The voice said –

“You are a gift to the world”

I believe this is true but it seems a bit cliche. A bit like something on a quote board. So as I pushed back on it a bit knowing that most would be cynical about such a statement. I heard God say “No. YOU ARE a GIFT To the World….Period.” No question mark, no conditions, no exceptions. Every single person ever created is a gift to the world. Whether they see it or not and whether other people recognize it or not.

Would you do something weird for me for just a second?

Would you go to a mirror (or pull up your phone selfie camera) and look at yourself and say OUT LOUD, “I am a gift to the world”. Ok. Now say it again. “I am a gift to the word.” How does that feel? Do you question it as you say it? Do you add a BUT…..after the statement? I’m actually serious. Go to a mirror and say out loud “I AM A GIFT TO THE WORLD”

It’s ok if you don’t feel like a gift to the world right now. I get it. But, it doesn’t make it any less true.
What I’ve been realizing is how many people are “Gifts” to me and they probably don’t even know it. I walk through my days and rarely let people know what they mean to me. How would our days look and feel differently if we approached each person we have contact with as a gift. What if we told even one person a day what a gift they are to us?

We don’t need to wait for a holiday to tell others they matter. I hope it will become a daily habit, like walking. At times, speaking words of life to someone will feel forced and awkward (like bundling up and facing an icy wind in negative temps) and other times it will flow naturally and be received with tears of joy and life altering results.
Never under estimate a positive word given. Just keep at it.

Proverbs 25:11 – A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

I have lived most of my life trying to keep everything together and everyone around me happy. If someone asks for help, I will say yes. If there is a need, I will try to find an answer. Keeping people happy is my top priority….until I can’t.

Just before Thanksgiving this year I started thinking about life like the game of Jenga. I was trying to keep the tower from falling, but then when I least expected, it crumbled. I was trying to do too much. I was under a lot of stress and my body responded by saying “No more!” My back went out and I found myself unable to walk. Shooting pain went up and down my leg when I put pressure on it and I found myself walking with a cane.

Thankfully, with some rest and chiropractic care, I healed quickly, but it was a wake up call. I realized I was carrying responsibilities and burdens I was never meant to carry.

What can we do when we know we are doing too much? Here are some things I’m learning

Delegate/Ask for Help

Take breaks everyday and rest one day a week

Say No. Its ok. It really is.

Sometimes living by faith is like walking in the dark.  I take a small step forward, then another, and another.  I can’t even see a foot in front of me.  

Walking by faith is daily.  It’s living in hope and choosing to move in step with the Holy Spirit, over and over again, until I look back and realize I have traveled a long way.  Over a mountain, across a river, and through a dense forest.

  These obstacles in my life have appeared through losing a house, losing a job, changing churches, changing schools, relational challenges, running out of money, battling anxiety, and watching those I love hurting, 

On the flip side, sometimes living by faith is like watching a sunrise, seeing a double rainbow, or finding a four leaf clover.  Every so often, life’s treasure hunt is like finding a hidden medallion or winning the jackpot.  

Even small surprises bring joy! 

Some of the joys in my walk with Jesus during the past 42 years have been in seeing a revival on my college campus of University of MN Morris, praying for my friend (now husband) to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, traveling to the Czech Republic, joining new friends around the world in a 24-7 prayer movement, getting married and having 4 beautiful babies.   More surprises have been watching God miraculously provide for my family over and over again, seeing the ocean for the first time, realizing teaching piano lessons is what I really want to do, and finding our house and neighborhood in St Paul.  

Living by faith is walking in daily hope, even when the fog is thick and my resolve is like the dim flicker of a candle.  The flame is still burning beside me, in, and through me.  It has never gone out.  

If you are weary or walking in the dark, now is a good time to ask for prayer.   I’ve been there many times and the family of God has been instrumental in helping bring my weary bones back to life through intercession, encouragement, and practical gifts.   

2 Timothy 1:6 

“I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of hands.”

Last year, some of you may remember I challenged myself to a “New Food November.” This was a fun way to move me out of a cooking rut and into trying new things. This year, I am making this month “New Friends November.” Let me tell you about it.

New Friends November – What does this mean?
It means leaning into conversations with new people, listening to their stories, and learning what matters most to them.

This is not easy for me. Not nearly as easy as trying new foods. It requires risk, approaching strangers, and completely re-working my definition of friendship. Let me explain.

I’ve always had an issue with friendships. I am very idealistic when it comes to what a friend should be. I expect a lot and become easily disappointed. My definition of friend is “someone who shares common interests, wants to spend time with me, and has some history with me or desire to share life together long term.” Because I’m not very good at expressing these expectations, and they are often unrealistic, I become disappointed and let down when friendships fizzle out.

My husband, on the other hand, has about a million friends. I would call them acquaintances, but he would call them friends. The difference between us is that he sees people he has only met one time as his friends. He can have a conversation with someone once and come away from it seeing that person as a “friend”. There are no strings attached in his relationships. He sees every encounter with a new person as a gift.

New Friend November is a realization that I need to begin to hold a more open minded view of what friendship can look like. I can reach out to new people and get to know them without the expectation that we will be friends forever or even next week. I can see anyone as a friend, even if I have only spent one day with them or have not seen them in person for many years. As I look back on my life I see examples of these lifelong friends who have deeply impacted me in our short times together.

Listening to peoples’ stories is a key to making friends. There is a lot that happens when we hear each others’ stories. My goal for New Friend November and beyond is to ask people to share with me their life stories. My husband, Mark, has done a lot of this as an Uber driver and a wedding DJ. He enjoys talking to strangers and becoming their friends.

How can I make new friends during Covid-19? That was my first thought when this idea came to me. I asked my daughter Tabby how she would suggest making new friends during Covid. She gave me some great advice.
She said look for people to connect with in these places:
1. Networks you are already a part of: Possibly work, church, clubs, teams, neighborhood, or school.
2. Listen to peoples’ stories at protests, social justice events, or look for a place to volunteer.
3. Friends of friends. When you hear a friend talking about someone they know, say “I’d like to meet them. Can you introduce me?”

Look for opportunities to talk to new people wherever you are. Talk to strangers. They may just become friends.

”The days are long, but the years are short”.
That’s what the mentor moms used to always say during the moms of preschoolers group I attended. They also said, “These years will be over in a blink and these little ones will be all grown up”.

I’ve noticed particular times that people often stop and reflect on their lives. Birthdays, anniversaries, and at the start of a New Year. These reflections may take place sitting around a table sharing stories, when making New Years resolutions, or while looking at photos at milestone events like graduations, weddings, and funerals.

What I’ve realized for myself is the importance of reflection as a more regular practice.
I try to take an hour once a week on Saturday mornings to consider the week that has just passed. I go on a walk and write in a journal. I think about what I have been grateful for during the week, what has been hardest, what I regret, what conversations stand out, and what surprised me.

If not once a week, I reflect at least once a month.
Looking back on all of the photos in my phone or dates on my calendar help to jog my memory. I’m continually surprised at how much I forget so quickly.

If you are a verbal processor, it might help to talk things over with a trusted friend. I meet with a spiritual director once a month (in simple terms, a friend who walks beside me on life’s journey). She takes notes and helps me remember from month to month what milestones have been crossed and how I have grown.

You may choose to reflect with a spouse, partner, friend, parent, teacher, or you may reflect privately. Regular reflection over time can help us remember what is important to us and what is not. It can also remind us of who we are, where we came from, and where we are going.

Not all reflecting is happy or easy. Sometimes we need to work through painful experiences, loss, disappointment, or failure.

Some people find getting away and taking a personal retreat a good opportunity to reflect. If you think about looking at your reflection in a pool of water, the water must be still in order to see clearly. When I step away from the busy stir of life and quiet my soul in nature, I find it easier to see.