Posted by Tagged with evolving faith, Faith, Reflection, spiritual direction Posted in Uncategorized

My Words of the Year

I posted on Facebook asking people to share their word of the year and was surprised how many of you already had a word in mind on December 31st. I thought I’d share how I came to my words – yes, I have 2 words for the year.

I made a list of a whole bunch of words that came to mind and the one that stood out to me like it was being highlighted was the word STRETCHED. I have been stretched outside of my comfort zone with moving, traveling, and doing some public speaking this year. I believe that stretching will continue this year in several different areas. As someone with a history of back problems, stretching my physical body is an important part of my staying healthy.

When I asked Mark about his word, he told me it was MALLEABLE. I asked him to look up the definition from Google and read it aloud to me. He read the definition: “Able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking.” Then he paused and said, “you’re not going to believe this!” He continued to read the Google definition which said (I kid you not)

“Anna was shaken enough to be malleable”

Because this word became highlighted with my name on it in the dictionary, I decided to add it as one of MY words of the year as well. The definition is correct. I have gone through a fair amount of shaking. We all go through seasons of shaking in our lives, whether that be from the shaking of our beliefs, relationships, job, or health. Through the shaking, we are shaped and changed. We become more flexible, more able to see other perspectives, and more ok with uncertainty and unanswered questions.

My shaking started when we went through extreme financial hardship and had to move back home with my parents when Malia was a baby. It continued when some of the people closest to me abandoned their faith in God and stopped going to church with me. There were many other challenges that I won’t get into here.

Some people refer to this shaking as “the wall” It is a place in our spiritual lives when it feels impossible to pass through. You don’t get through the wall quickly and how you get through is different for every person. I was at the wall in my faith for what felt like close to 10 years. During that time, I often felt like an outsider “pretending to fit” in Christian circles. I didn’t feel like reading the Bible and had more questions than answers.

After returning from our 6-month road trip in May, it felt like something majorly shifted in my spiritual life and relationship with God. I can’t tell you why or how, it was just time for a new season. I still wrestle with many of the same issues and questions when it comes to church, but I can hear God speaking to me again, loud and clear, and miraculously personal.

Are you curious about spiritual things? I am looking to be trained as a spiritual director starting in 2024. I am excited to walk with others along their journey of seeking what a spiritual life might look like. Questions and uncertainty are welcome.

Posted by Tagged with life lessons, nature, Reflection Posted in Uncategorized

Transformation – Lessons from a butterfly

From grade school, I learned about the life cycle of the butterfly. From egg to pupa to chrysalis to butterfly. It was explained in such a simple and matter of fact way that it really held no magic or wonder. Then about a year ago, I listened to a radio lab podcast where they described in detail what happens inside the chrysalis. The explanation felt like the re-telling of a miraculous resurrection. This week, the caterpillar to butterfly metaphor was brought back to mind as I was thinking about this season of sheltering at home during Covid-19.
Here are some parallels that came to mind.

The caterpillar eats and eats. Remember the book The Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle? I feel like the caterpillar during quarantine. Eating, and eating and eating.

Next, the caterpillar sheds its outer layer and becomes a chrysalis. As an outside observer, it appears that nothing is happening inside the chrysalis. Similarly, it can feel like nothing is happening during this pregnant pause of waiting we are in. Waiting for a vaccine, waiting for answers, waiting for work, waiting for freedom. What is happening to our attitudes, priorities, and emotions during the waiting?

Just like the caterpillar, we are undergoing a transformation.

It feels like there is a change occurring in me during this time of pause. It’s hard to explain, just as it’s hard to explain what really happens inside that chrysalis. There is a bit of mystery to it all. What we do know is that each step of the life cycle is necessary, and to speed up the process and rip the butterfly from the chrysalis too early will prevent the butterfly from ever being able to fly.

I want more than anything to fly. I want my life to be a testimony of God’s beauty. I want to shed the parts of me that are not necessary anymore and enter a new phase of life. My hope for myself and others is that we will endure this season and emerge from it transformed – like a crawling caterpillar, to a flying butterfly.

Posted by Tagged with Faith, family, family memories, moving, Reflection, St Paul Posted in Uncategorized

How we came to St Paul

We moved to St Paul 8 years ago. I’ve been wanting to recount the story of how we ended up here. I need to be reminded of how God takes care of us.

Our first house in the Twin Cities was an upper duplex rental in South Minneapolis. It was home for 5 years. I slowly grew to love the city after living in a small town up until that point. My oldest announced as we drove onto the freeway into Minneapolis, “I was born to be a city girl!”

Driving on freeways was the biggest change. I found a job teaching piano lessons in St Paul and the short drive from Mpls to St Paul always left me with stiff shoulders and a sore back. I would clench the steering wheel and hold my breathe as I anticipated the dreaded lane changes. For a period of time, when we didn’t have a car and I learned to ride the metro transit, another experience that felt monumental at the time. The city began to feel like our new home. I loved meeting people with different cultures and beliefs than me. I loved trying foods from around the world, experiencing art through museums, theater, and the orchestra.

As we reached year 5 in Minneapolis, we began to run out of money. It was a confusing period in our marriage and job situation and it became clear that it was again time for a change . One thing I’ve realized is that I don’t usually gravitate toward change unless it is forced upon me. Hardships can be the catalyst for making necessary changes.

That whole decision to not renew our lease on the Minneapolis duplex is still a bit foggy to me. It was a very unsettling season that I never want to repeat. My three girls, ages 10, 8, and 1 and I, moved to Marshall, MN to live with my parents while Mark stayed in Minneapolis on a friend’s couch, working a new job in order to save enough money for us to rent a new place that fall.

That whole summer apart ended up being a blessing in disguise. Everyday, we would go on walks, to the pool, rummage sales, and Camden State Park. The extended time with my parents was just what my girls and I needed.

Our goal was to move to St Paul by September so that I could continue teaching piano and the kids could start school. August came and there was no housing in our price range. I spent my days feeling a rising sense of panic as I scoured the internet for affordable rentals for a family of 5.

Finally, near the end of August, I saw a 4 bedroom house for rent pop up on Craigslist. We looked at it and immediately felt a “Yes!” It was the only house I could find even close to what we were looking for. It felt like a miracle.

Looking back, I feel this house was hand-picked for us. The neighbors, the art house down the street, the theater experiences, the schools, and all the places that have become home.

First Easter in St Paul
And we added Ivy to our family
to make 6!

I know what uncertainty feels like. With Covid-19 looming over us, we don’t know what life will look like a month from now or 6 months from now. I’m glad I can look back on God’s faithfulness in our move to St Paul and all the little and big ways we have been taken care of since then. I have to keep believing the best. It’s the only way through.


Posted by Tagged with Christmas, family, Reflection Posted in Uncategorized

Memories of Appleton Christmas

When I was a child, Christmas did not involve gifts or Santa Claus. We didn’t even have a tree. We hung ornaments from the curtains. At the time, I didn’t think much of it except for when The nice cashier trying to make conversation at the store asked “What did Santa bring you this year?” While my classmates were getting Nintendos and giant LEGO sets, my siblings and I got tootsie roll banks and socks. Before you start feeling sorry for me, I will assure you that Christmas was THE best day of my year.

My most vivid memory was traveling to small town Appleton, MN. My Dad comes from a family of 11 children and Christmas was the one time that they all got together.

My Dad is on the top right.

Before any gifts were opened, everyone took turns performing a talent.
The talents were anything from playing Silent Night by blowing in pop bottles to flexibility tricks using a broom stick. I remember one of my uncles pretending to be an astronaut, lying upside down on a folding chair, making sound effects of a space ship.

There was always a lot of singing, guitar playing , and if we were lucky…Uncle Glen brought the banjo. Everyone always made a big deal of Grandma Evelyn’s harmonica solos. It was like someone famous entered the room when Grandma pulled out her harmonica.

My contribution to Christmas other than my attempt to play the violin was introducing a game called “Mrs Mumble”. The one rule was you couldn’t show your teeth and you couldn’t laugh or you were out of the game. The first person in the circle would say, “Have you seen Mrs. Mumble?” and then the person next to them would say “I don’t know? Let me ask my neighbor”. The game just got better and better as the question worked it’s way around the circle and the aunts and uncles tried to out do each other in comedic improve.

My aunts Barb and Mona

After all the talents were shared, it was time for gifts. With so many siblings, the gift exchange seemed to take a very long time. When I turned 13, I was finally old enough to be entered in the name drawing. I remember feeling really grown up and proud to be in the circle of adults. My gift that first year was a set of hand painted ceramic turtles from my aunt Mona. I still have them almost 30 years later. I know I must have received Christmas gifts as a child, but this is the only one I really remember.

One thing I do remember well was the food. We ate rosettes, lefse, tea ring, lasagne, shrimp, pickled herring, olives, and deviled eggs. The adults enjoyed playing scrabble and putting together puzzles.

The kids loved hide and seek in all the upstairs bedrooms of “the big house” which now that I think about it, wasn’t very big at all. We fit a lot of people into that big-little house in Appleton, MN. It’s been many years now since we have had Christmas there, but the memories play in my mind like a movie. Thanks to my uncle Art, there is lots of video footage of the talent shows, singing, and dancing that I go back and watch when I’m feeling nostalgic.

Without trying, my parents have re-created a similar atmosphere of excitement for their own children. My 6 siblings and I gather with our families at my sister Gina’s house on Christmas. The kids usually treat the adults to a performance or costume parade . There are lots of board games, puzzles, a photo scavenger hunt, and a similar spread of food. My kids are soaking up every moment of memory making, and so am I.



Photo scavenger hunt organized by Katie.
I loved driving around looking
at lights as a kid and still do.

Posted by Tagged with family, home, memories, Reflection Posted in Uncategorized

The Year of the Mice

2016…The year of the mice. The first mouse siting was during a sleepover in a room full of teenage girls. My daughter and her group of friends were settling in to watch a movie when a mouse emerged from beneath the couch and raced across the hard wood floor, through the maze of pillows, blankets and couch cushions. That was the end of sleeping on the floor.

After that night, my kids were constantly on the look out for mice. Their eyes and ears were on alert day and night. We began finding mouse droppings around the kitchen and behind the couch. The mice multiplied quickly and we started seeing them in every room of the house. One night we had an unexpected guest who needed a place to spend the night. As I brought them to their bed, a mouse ran across the floor. After that, I stopped inviting people over.

We tried every kind of trap imaginable, deep cleaning the house, and two different pest control companies. The mice completely ignored the traps. I began to feel a bit crazy. I had trouble sleeping and jumped at the chance to leave the house on weekends.

We went on vacation in the summer of 2016 for a week and gladly left the mice behind. When we returned, there were mouse droppings in our beds. That was the last straw!

I started dreading the night. The sun setting meant the mice would come out to play. I turned on loud music and entered empty rooms with my eyes closed yelling, “get out of here, mice!”

We started to recognize the paths that the mice traveled. The majority of activity was in and around the living room couch. As a last resort, we decided to get rid of the couch. Mark brought it out into the country and my brother in-law and father in-law joined in a couch burning party.

After the couch was gone, the mice slowly disappeared. They were gone for about a year, but then came back in 2018.

One night, I opened the bedroom door to come downstairs during the early morning hours and saw two baby mice about an inch long toppling down the stairs. Seeing babies made me think, “Oh no, they’re multiplying!” Pest control came right away and told us that when you see babies, usually it means the adult mice are dead. The babies only leave the nest as a last resort. Those babies were the last mice I have seen.

The only evidence of the mice that remains is a piece of black tape covering the door to the upstairs attic. I convinced myself that the baby mice had come from the attic and taping the door was my desperate attempt of keeping the mice in.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this image parallels many areas of life. How often do I close the door to certain areas of my heart and emotions that I don’t want to deal with? “I’ll take care of it later,” I think to myself.

Unfortunately, a conflict or painful memory can only be avoided for so long. Last week, I finally took the tape off the door. There was no sign of mice. Just old papers, musty blankets, suitcases, and trash.

The mice are gone now, but the life lessons they taught me still remain. Our thoughts are trained to run in the same patterns, just like mice do. We can look the other way and hope that our hidden thoughts will somehow go away, but usually they need some gentle, yet firm attention. The pest control company we called didn’t seem to be helping for many months. Sometimes, the friend or therapist that we choose doesn’t end up being helpful or it takes longer than we expected. We had mice for over a year and there were days when I just wanted to move out and quit trying.

I am working hard to move toward the hard conversations with others instead of avoiding them. Facing fears and recognizing unhelpful beliefs that I have allowed to rule my life is hard, but important work. I hope you will have courage to face your fears as well. You are stronger than you know.

And now, one last thing, dear reader: If you currently have mice running wild throughout your house, tell me your mice stories and my empathy will abound!

Posted by Tagged with family, memories, Minnesota, parenting, Reflection Posted in Uncategorized

Snow Day!

There’s nothing quite like a snow day. Especially when the storm falls on a weekday. I remember as a child of the 80’s, sitting in front of the radio listening to the list of school cancellations being read in alphabetical order. When Marshall was called, we would jump up and down and run around the house screaming “School’s cancelled! School’s cancelled!”

Tonight we got word that St Paul schools would be cancelled tomorrow due to a pre-Thanksgiving snow storm. There was no waiting by the radio, but I did receive a text message, email, and voicemail.

A snow day for the kids means staying up a little later, sitting by the window and watching the snow fall by candle light. During the day off, there will be movies, board games, blanket forts in the living room, freshly baked cookies, family time, playing in the snow, and shoveling. Lots and lots of shoveling.

During a rare April snow day in 2018, the kids made an epic snow fort. The fort was modeled after a similar fort that my brothers and sisters and I made growing up. I am still in search of a photograph of the original. The fort was made from bricks of snow stacked in rows about 6-8 high with the word “HONK” written on the front with food coloring.

The kids had a blast jumping out from
behind the wall and cheering when cars would honk

Whether you are dreading the coming winter or as excited as my kids, I hope you will find something to savor in this first snow day.