My love for you is not dependent on your good grades, how you look, how much you weigh, or what you wear
My love for you is not dependent on which friends you keep, who you date, or whether you graduate
My love for you is not dependent on your gender identity, your sexual orientation, the state of your mental health, or the amount of money you earn
My love for you is not dependent on if you marry, who you marry, or whether you have children
My love for you will not change if you get cancelled on the Internet, are suspended, arrested, fired from a job, get pregnant, or get an abortion
You are not a disappointment to me like you may be thinking. I may be disappointed in circumstances or my shattered expectations. I may be surprised by things you say or frustrated with how things turn out
I may hurt if you are hurting and get angry and want to blame someone. I may say things I regret and may make you feel like you are a disappointment –
But, you are not.
My love for you will always remain
For as long as I breathe, you are my child You cannot earn this love You cannot change this love or lose it This love for you is fierce. And it’s never going away
Magical can be defined as : “beautiful or delightful in such a way as to seem removed from everyday life”
That was how my week in New York City felt. I was a tourist taking it all in for the first time while trying my best not to give myself away as a tourist. Judging by the fact that I was yelled at to ”move a little faster!” my first time in the subway station, I wasn’t fooling anyone. ”You’re not from here, are you?” a business man asked me as the crowd crossed the street on a red light while I patiently waited for the ’walk’ sign.” “No, I most definitely am not, but SHE is,” I said pointing to my daughter who seemed to match the pace of the crowd effortlessly.
My senior, Tabby, and I spent 7 days in a friends’ furnished apartment visiting colleges including The New School, Pace University, NY Institute of Technology, and Marymount Manhattan. Thank you, Bill, for being such a generous and gracious host.
The reason for the trip was to tour colleges, but we were able to do a lot of sightseeing as well. We woke up each day and walked outside in anticipation, not knowing where the day would take us. If we got tired, we came back to the apartment and took a nap. If we got hungry, we went out and found something to eat. As a mom of four who rarely takes this type of vacation for seven whole days, I felt a freedom I haven’t felt in a long time. It was also my first time spending an extended time with my child who is no longer a child but an adult.
As I reflect on the week, here are some of the things I appreciated about this magical city.
The Subway – Most New Yorkers don’t own cars. They take the subway and buses. For $34, we purchased an unlimited weekly pass. We used google maps on our phones to navigate. The sound of the subway grew on me.
Walking – I loved the amount of walking we had to do. Most days we walked between 8-10 miles. I was having a lot of back pain going into the trip and it got better with each day. I attribute some of this to all the walking I did.
Food – There is such a variety of food for every budget. Everything from homemade pasta to pizza to gyros to seafood to crepes. Deciding what to eat each day was one of my favorite parts of exploring the city.
Diversity – Over 800 languages are spoken in NYC. I especially noticed this as we were walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and truly feeling the whole world on that bridge. Anytime I am surrounded by more than just English speakers, I feel a rush of happiness.
Art and Culture – New York is home to so many incredible museums, opera, symphony, dance, and of course – Broadway. We didn’t see any shows, but we did visit two museums – The MOMA and Cloisters. We also enjoyed some live blues in a bar while eating chicken wings.
E.B. White in Here is New York describes the city like this:
There are roughly three New Yorks.
There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born here, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size and its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. …Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion. ”
After the initial panic of being in a strange city with more noise and a faster pace than I’m used to, I started to settle in and see these different groups of people. The people who call NYC home.
I observed the school children walking home carrying backpacks and chatting with their friends. I saw young parents loaded up with water bottles and snacks, talking to other parents as their preschoolers played in Central Park. I watched a group doing a workout in an apartment parking lot and a little league baseball game that didn’t look that different than games I have attended elsewhere. I watched the business people grabbing their coffee in the mornings, the janitors cleaning the floors in the apartment we were staying, and the chess players in Washington square. NYC is not just a tourist destination or a place where people come to make money. People come and go and those who stay do so for a reason.
Tabby is considering moving to New York. She is still undecided. It’s a city of opportunity, diversity, art, and beauty. It is also expensive and she is weighing whether it is worth the financial cost. Whatever she decides longterm, I will be grateful for the time we spent together on this very lovely spring break trip and look forward to the next time I get to go again.
How can one sentence change the course of a life? How can one sentence change how you see a person? How can one sentence change how you see the world?
The time I’ve been thinking about when a sentence changed everything was when my oldest child was 14. We were driving in the car and had just arrived home from a church event. There was a long silence, and then Ellie said, “Mom, I need to tell you something.” I took a deep breath because it seemed like it was something big, but I couldn’t imagine what? Then Ellie said in a barely audible voice,
“I don’t believe in God. I’m not a Christian.”
This was after a time of worship where Ellie was singing, with eyes closed and arms raised. I said “Well, why were you worshipping like you were tonight?” To that, Ellie replied, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I was pretending.” Ellie has always known that my faith is very important and I assumed that all my kids would follow me down the same road of beliefs. Much later, Ellie told me they had felt this way for 3 years and felt pained to go to church and “fake it” and that’s why they decided to sign up to work in the nursery so they wouldn’t have to listen to the sermons. I was in complete shock. What now?
In the days that followed, a neighbor told me about the Liturgists podcast. The early episodes feature a worship leader and a Sunday school teacher who talk about their complete loss of faith, while continuing to lead worship and teach on Sunday mornings, unbeknownst to their family and church members.
I started to look around in my church and wonder if there were others who were “faking it”. How many people in the room had doubts that this whole Christian/God thing was real? How many people were there to please their friends and loved ones or out of habit, but in their heart of hearts, didn’t buy it.
I started reading books by authors who had went through faith deconstruction and disillusionment. I started to have my own doubts. Instead of seeing the good in the church, I started seeing everything that was wrong. I didn’t feel like reading the Bible anymore and prayer felt empty. This went on for several years. I read a book called The Critical Journey about the stages of faith and realized I was going through something called “the wall”. There was no way around it. I was just going to be there for awhile. I started meeting with a mature spiritual friend who listened and helped me walk through where I was at. We have met monthly for the last 4 years. I’ve begun to see that asking questions is an important part of a maturing faith. It is normal and should be embraced instead of feared. Now, when someone tells me they have been hurt by the church or don’t understand the faith of their child or teen years anymore, I don’t feel surprised or worried like I once would have. I am actually drawn to people with doubts because they tend to be more authentic and tell you the whole truth.
Am I back to “loving church” again? Yes, but in a very different way. I assume the best from people, while all the while, expecting that they will disappoint me. I don’t look to Sunday mornings as the centerpiece of my life, but a small part of the whole. I do not see church as a building and I don’t see it as a small group of people. It is wider than that and extends beyond the small minded barriers we construct in our tiny human brains. I have more questions than answers and nothing seems impossible to consider. I do love Jesus and He is my model for loving others. I find myself praying again and looking forward to doing life with God’s people in whatever setting that may be. Around a table, at the piano, on a hike, or in a time of prayer or conversation. I see God’s people as those who have accepted His gifts and those who have not. God created all and includes all at the table. No exceptions.
The sentence spoken by my firstborn 5 years ago has taken me on quite a trip and I’m better for it. Thanks Ellie, for your honesty. Love you tons!
