Posted by Tagged with evolving faith, Faith, Reflection, spiritual direction Posted in Uncategorized

My Words of the Year

I posted on Facebook asking people to share their word of the year and was surprised how many of you already had a word in mind on December 31st. I thought I’d share how I came to my words – yes, I have 2 words for the year.

I made a list of a whole bunch of words that came to mind and the one that stood out to me like it was being highlighted was the word STRETCHED. I have been stretched outside of my comfort zone with moving, traveling, and doing some public speaking this year. I believe that stretching will continue this year in several different areas. As someone with a history of back problems, stretching my physical body is an important part of my staying healthy.

When I asked Mark about his word, he told me it was MALLEABLE. I asked him to look up the definition from Google and read it aloud to me. He read the definition: “Able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking.” Then he paused and said, “you’re not going to believe this!” He continued to read the Google definition which said (I kid you not)

“Anna was shaken enough to be malleable”

Because this word became highlighted with my name on it in the dictionary, I decided to add it as one of MY words of the year as well. The definition is correct. I have gone through a fair amount of shaking. We all go through seasons of shaking in our lives, whether that be from the shaking of our beliefs, relationships, job, or health. Through the shaking, we are shaped and changed. We become more flexible, more able to see other perspectives, and more ok with uncertainty and unanswered questions.

My shaking started when we went through extreme financial hardship and had to move back home with my parents when Malia was a baby. It continued when some of the people closest to me abandoned their faith in God and stopped going to church with me. There were many other challenges that I won’t get into here.

Some people refer to this shaking as “the wall” It is a place in our spiritual lives when it feels impossible to pass through. You don’t get through the wall quickly and how you get through is different for every person. I was at the wall in my faith for what felt like close to 10 years. During that time, I often felt like an outsider “pretending to fit” in Christian circles. I didn’t feel like reading the Bible and had more questions than answers.

After returning from our 6-month road trip in May, it felt like something majorly shifted in my spiritual life and relationship with God. I can’t tell you why or how, it was just time for a new season. I still wrestle with many of the same issues and questions when it comes to church, but I can hear God speaking to me again, loud and clear, and miraculously personal.

Are you curious about spiritual things? I am looking to be trained as a spiritual director starting in 2024. I am excited to walk with others along their journey of seeking what a spiritual life might look like. Questions and uncertainty are welcome.

Posted by Tagged with church, evolving faith, Faith Posted in Uncategorized

To church or not to church?

It’s Sunday. Growing up that meant going to church. We always went to church. The only reason we didn’t go is if we were sick or out of town. Even in a snowstorm, church was rarely cancelled. Those who were able found a way to get there. It was a family affair. Everyone went. No questions asked.

This fierce loyalty to a Sunday gathering of believers stuck with me through college and into adulthood. I simply COULD NOT skip church. Anytime I did, I heard a voice in my ear saying “don’t forsake the gathering of believers as some are in the habit of doing.” This was a Bible verse frequently quoted as a reason not to skip church.

I never asked myself if I liked going to church. It was just something I did. As I moved from place to place in my young adult life, I found myself finding a similar church in whatever new place I went. These churches all had in common an emphasis on loyalty and being “under authority”. Everyone loved you until you left. If you moved to another similar church, “fine”, but if you moved to a more “progressive or liberal church” or became Catholic or ELCA Lutheran (God forbid!) that was not OK. I could anticipate the shaking of the head and deep sigh from the church leaders as they watched people leave for other churches.

In my 30’s, I began to question my faith traditions for the first time. I became tired and disillusioned with church as I had always known it. A lot of it no longer seemed relevant. My husband and I decided to stop going to church on Sundays for awhile. It was such a strange feeling. We would go to parks and see families playing together and enjoying the weather and time in nature on a Sunday morning. They seemed so relaxed and happy. They weren’t thinking about who was in church and who wasn’t. After being in active ministry and highly involved in the ins and outs of a Sunday service for my entire life, this shift was just plain weird.

I started seeing the world through a non-church lens. I started meeting people on Sunday mornings that I never had time to meet when I was in church. I started Resting on Sundays. Those who have been in a ministry position know that Sundays are never restful. I started seeing the church as more than just a building where people gathered on Sundays at 10am. This break from church was an important time for me. A needed a change of pace to shake some unhelpful religious ideas off of me.

After awhile, I started to miss church services. I missed the singing, being able to ask someone for prayer, the pot luck dinners, the feeling of being a part of a community that cares for each other. I even missed the quirky and weird parts of church. Every church I’ve ever been to is just weird. Even the ones that are trying to not be. I went back again with new eyes. I saw all the flaws and I saw the trappings of trying to organize something that Jesus intended to be free flowing and organic. I saw the downsides to hierarchy and the pride in thinking we have it figured out or know the “right way”. I accepted the fact that church will never be what I want it to be. I accepted the fact that God is much bigger than one church or one type of church but still chooses to use the people in them.

How each believer chooses to “be the church” will look differently. I no longer judge someone who chooses to not “go to church” on Sunday. My husband doesn’t go to church and neither do my teenagers most of the time. I’m sad about that sometimes, but I never want them to feel that church attendance is required to gain my love and acceptance. I want my husband and kids’ faith to be their own. I now realize that there are lots of different ways that people choose to worship and I am not meant to be the judge of which way is best.

Today I woke up and didn’t feel like going to church. That old feeling of guilt came back as strong as ever and I lay in bed for a half hour wrestling with myself. Then, I decided to stay home. It was good and it was what was needed for today.

How about you? Do you have a complicated history with church? Do Sundays look the same for you now as they did as a child or young adult? I’d love to hear about it.



Posted by Tagged with evolving faith, parenting, parenting teens Posted in Uncategorized

When one sentence changes everything

How can one sentence change the course of a life? How can one sentence change how you see a person?
How can one sentence change how you see the world?

The time I’ve been thinking about when a sentence changed everything was when my oldest child was 14. We were driving in the car and had just arrived home from a church event. There was a long silence, and then Ellie said, “Mom, I need to tell you something.” I took a deep breath because it seemed like it was something big, but I couldn’t imagine what? Then Ellie said in a barely audible voice,

“I don’t believe in God. I’m not a Christian.”

This was after a time of worship where Ellie was singing, with eyes closed and arms raised. I said “Well, why were you worshipping like you were tonight?” To that, Ellie replied, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I was pretending.”
Ellie has always known that my faith is very important and I assumed that all my kids would follow me down the same road of beliefs. Much later, Ellie told me they had felt this way for 3 years and felt pained to go to church and “fake it” and that’s why they decided to sign up to work in the nursery so they wouldn’t have to listen to the sermons.
I was in complete shock.
What now?

In the days that followed, a neighbor told me about the Liturgists podcast. The early episodes feature a worship leader and a Sunday school teacher who talk about their complete loss of faith, while continuing to lead worship and teach on Sunday mornings, unbeknownst to their family and church members.

I started to look around in my church and wonder if there were others who were “faking it”. How many people in the room had doubts that this whole Christian/God thing was real? How many people were there to please their friends and loved ones or out of habit, but in their heart of hearts, didn’t buy it.

I started reading books by authors who had went through faith deconstruction and disillusionment. I started to have my own doubts. Instead of seeing the good in the church, I started seeing everything that was wrong. I didn’t feel like reading the Bible anymore and prayer felt empty. This went on for several years. I read a book called The Critical Journey about the stages of faith and realized I was going through something called “the wall”. There was no way around it. I was just going to be there for awhile. I started meeting with a mature spiritual friend who listened and helped me walk through where I was at. We have met monthly for the last 4 years. I’ve begun to see that asking questions is an important part of a maturing faith. It is normal and should be embraced instead of feared. Now, when someone tells me they have been hurt by the church or don’t understand the faith of their child or teen years anymore, I don’t feel surprised or worried like I once would have. I am actually drawn to people with doubts because they tend to be more authentic and tell you the whole truth.

Am I back to “loving church” again? Yes, but in a very different way. I assume the best from people, while all the while, expecting that they will disappoint me. I don’t look to Sunday mornings as the centerpiece of my life, but a small part of the whole. I do not see church as a building and I don’t see it as a small group of people. It is wider than that and extends beyond the small minded barriers we construct in our tiny human brains. I have more questions than answers and nothing seems impossible to consider. I do love Jesus and He is my model for loving others. I find myself praying again and looking forward to doing life with God’s people in whatever setting that may be. Around a table, at the piano, on a hike, or in a time of prayer or conversation. I see God’s people as those who have accepted His gifts and those who have not. God created all and includes all at the table. No exceptions.

The sentence spoken by my firstborn 5 years ago has taken me on quite a trip and I’m better for it. Thanks Ellie, for your honesty. Love you tons!