Midlife Creative

Last year, some of you may remember I challenged myself to a “New Food November.” This was a fun way to move me out of a cooking rut and into trying new things. This year, I am making this month “New Friends November.” Let me tell you about it.

New Friends November – What does this mean?
It means leaning into conversations with new people, listening to their stories, and learning what matters most to them.

This is not easy for me. Not nearly as easy as trying new foods. It requires risk, approaching strangers, and completely re-working my definition of friendship. Let me explain.

I’ve always had an issue with friendships. I am very idealistic when it comes to what a friend should be. I expect a lot and become easily disappointed. My definition of friend is “someone who shares common interests, wants to spend time with me, and has some history with me or desire to share life together long term.” Because I’m not very good at expressing these expectations, and they are often unrealistic, I become disappointed and let down when friendships fizzle out.

My husband, on the other hand, has about a million friends. I would call them acquaintances, but he would call them friends. The difference between us is that he sees people he has only met one time as his friends. He can have a conversation with someone once and come away from it seeing that person as a “friend”. There are no strings attached in his relationships. He sees every encounter with a new person as a gift.

New Friend November is a realization that I need to begin to hold a more open minded view of what friendship can look like. I can reach out to new people and get to know them without the expectation that we will be friends forever or even next week. I can see anyone as a friend, even if I have only spent one day with them or have not seen them in person for many years. As I look back on my life I see examples of these lifelong friends who have deeply impacted me in our short times together.

Listening to peoples’ stories is a key to making friends. There is a lot that happens when we hear each others’ stories. My goal for New Friend November and beyond is to ask people to share with me their life stories. My husband, Mark, has done a lot of this as an Uber driver and a wedding DJ. He enjoys talking to strangers and becoming their friends.

How can I make new friends during Covid-19? That was my first thought when this idea came to me. I asked my daughter Tabby how she would suggest making new friends during Covid. She gave me some great advice.
She said look for people to connect with in these places:
1. Networks you are already a part of: Possibly work, church, clubs, teams, neighborhood, or school.
2. Listen to peoples’ stories at protests, social justice events, or look for a place to volunteer.
3. Friends of friends. When you hear a friend talking about someone they know, say “I’d like to meet them. Can you introduce me?”

Look for opportunities to talk to new people wherever you are. Talk to strangers. They may just become friends.

”The days are long, but the years are short”.
That’s what the mentor moms used to always say during the moms of preschoolers group I attended. They also said, “These years will be over in a blink and these little ones will be all grown up”.

I’ve noticed particular times that people often stop and reflect on their lives. Birthdays, anniversaries, and at the start of a New Year. These reflections may take place sitting around a table sharing stories, when making New Years resolutions, or while looking at photos at milestone events like graduations, weddings, and funerals.

What I’ve realized for myself is the importance of reflection as a more regular practice.
I try to take an hour once a week on Saturday mornings to consider the week that has just passed. I go on a walk and write in a journal. I think about what I have been grateful for during the week, what has been hardest, what I regret, what conversations stand out, and what surprised me.

If not once a week, I reflect at least once a month.
Looking back on all of the photos in my phone or dates on my calendar help to jog my memory. I’m continually surprised at how much I forget so quickly.

If you are a verbal processor, it might help to talk things over with a trusted friend. I meet with a spiritual director once a month (in simple terms, a friend who walks beside me on life’s journey). She takes notes and helps me remember from month to month what milestones have been crossed and how I have grown.

You may choose to reflect with a spouse, partner, friend, parent, teacher, or you may reflect privately. Regular reflection over time can help us remember what is important to us and what is not. It can also remind us of who we are, where we came from, and where we are going.

Not all reflecting is happy or easy. Sometimes we need to work through painful experiences, loss, disappointment, or failure.

Some people find getting away and taking a personal retreat a good opportunity to reflect. If you think about looking at your reflection in a pool of water, the water must be still in order to see clearly. When I step away from the busy stir of life and quiet my soul in nature, I find it easier to see.

I decided to write a little bit about what our days have been like for the last 3 months.

I remember the first day I became aware of covid-19. Two events I was planning to attend were cancelled on March 13th and 14th. By Monday the 16th, schools and businesses were closed. The grocery store shelves were mostly empty as people stocked up on essentials, canned goods, and toilet paper.

I went to Global Arts Plus to collect the kids’ iPads to begin distance learning. Everyone wore masks and gloves and an eery feeling filled the empty hallways. I brought the kids with me, hoping to see their teachers, but only saw the unfamiliar faces of volunteers calmly communicating log-in instructions on typed papers with barcodes.

As reality set in, there were mixed emotions. The first few weeks seemed like a novelty for my introverted self. We did lots of baking, puzzles, crafts, and sent video messages to family members. We went on nature hikes to new places, enjoyed dinners with all of us around the table, and felt a sense of relief at all the new found “free time”

We began to realize that all our plans for Ellie’s graduation, summer, and possibly college in the fall would have to change.

Every day began to feel the same. When the kids finally surrendered to sleep, I stayed up well past midnight writing or watching Netflix in my “finally quiet time”.

The weeks turned into months and we began to wonder if life would ever return back to normal. Social distancing became acceptable and wearing masks was the new normal. I wasn’t sure what to make of it all. I didn’t have anyone close to me personally affected by covid-19, but I knew that could change overnight just as many things were changing day to day.

I am still not sure what to think of it all. Here are the things I know.

Relationships matter – the people in my life that mattered to me before covid-19 (or whatever trial life throws my way) matter to me just as much now.

Seasons change – just as winter turns to spring and summer to fall, this time in history will change as well.

Healthy things grow – if we lean into the good things we know to be true, we will become stronger through whatever storms we encounter.

Take care, friends. Let me know how quarantine has been for you.

This is for the moms who need a little pep talk today. Sending hugs and cheering you on!

It’s amazing to me the number of mothers who question almost daily whether they are good moms. I’m not talking about moms that are neglecting their kids or phoning it in. I’m talking about rockstar moms who are giving their all every freakin’ day.

The lack of confidence we moms have in our ability to parent, keep a home, and juggle life’s demands is unbelievably high. The overthinking, worry, and comparison that goes on is crazy. Moms are their own worst critics.

Here are some ways I have learned to combat the negative self-talk.

#1. Call to the top of your mind one thing you are proud of right now.

I’m proud that my child made their own breakfast, showed empathy, learned to ride a bike, slept through the night, said they were sorry, made me smile. I’m proud that I returned that phone call, had that hard talk, forgave myself, said no.

#2. Don’t compare your weaknesses to another person’s strengths.

Since the beginning of time, moms have been told they need to do it all. In reality, that would be foolish. You will do certain things well and then there will be other things that your friends do better. I am really good at patience, listening, friendships, and teaching. I am not good at house cleaning, decorating, fashion, hair, makeup, or big business. I am also not good at Pinterest or Twitter or exercise or healthy meals or taking supplements or essential oils or team sports or shopping at malls. We would all feel better if we knew and appreciated our strengths and became a cheering squad for others who are different than us.

#3. Acknowledge how hard parenting is.

Give yourself credit for all the days, months and years you’ve been showing up for your kids. You’ve been there through all the milestones, the sicknesses, the dentist visits, the potty training, the head lice, the bad dreams, the questions, the sleepless nights, the relationship struggles, the disappointments, the unexpected transitions, the birthday parties, the firsts, the lasts….all of it!

You ARE a good mom. I’m here to speak this aloud whether you believe it or not. I hope you understand that you are more than enough. In fact, whether your child acknowledges it or not, does not change the truth. You have poured your life out and the one who made you and made you uniquely YOU is pleased.

Genesis 1:31. “God saw everything He has made and it was very good”…..that includes you, Mom!