Awake Fearless One
Taken from a presentation I gave at the Summit Sister’s monthly women’s gathering at Summit Church in St Paul.
“Today I want to talk about my lifelong battle with fear and anxiety. God has been inviting me to move from a state of being asleep and fearful to a state of being awake and ready for anything. When we are afraid, we often react in a fight, flight, or freeze response. We handle our anxiety by running away and hiding, getting stuck and not knowing how to move forward, or by trying to remain in control at all costs. I have coped with anxiety in all three of these ways.
I grew up extremely shy and cautious. I quickly adopted that label for myself and disqualified myself from doing anything outwardly loud or crazy. I was an introvert who was happy taking up space in the background and filling a supporter role.
When I met my husband, I was attracted to his loud and boisterous personality. He was impulsive and always changing the plans at the last minute. I admired his free spirit and outgoing way with people. I had never given myself permission to try on this type of personality. I was a rule follower who never took any chances. When I was around him, he challenged me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married and lived together for our first 5 years in the small town of Morris, MN. Our life was pretty simple back then, and we didn’t have much to be afraid of. Back then, my biggest hurdles were making a phone call or introducing myself to a stranger. I had never driven on a freeway and the rent in our first apartment was less than $200 a month.
My anxiety really didn’t come alive until I got pregnant with my first child. I remember lying in bed at night wondering what the birth would be like. I became so fearful that I would lie awake for hours gripped with fear. This was the first time I remember not feeling in control.
Anxiety surfaced again whenever there were big changes or unknowns in my life. I’m going to share a few things that caused fear to rise up in me.
I was fearful when I had to have an emergency C-section instead of a natural birth like I had expected with my first child.
I was fearful when my infant was taken by ambulance twice after having febrile seizures.
I was fearful when we had to move out of our duplex in Minneapolis with our two young children and back in with my parents, because we couldn’t afford our rent at the time.
I was fearful that we would lose our next house again because of financial stress and job loss.
I was fearful, but then relieved, when one of my children was diagnosed with autism. All of the questions about why they were different than other kids their age started to make more sense.
I was fearful when my child told me they were gay and transgender. This was mostly because it was such a foreign concept to me at the time, and I didn’t know how I would tell my family.
I was fearful when several people close to me told me they didn’t believe in God anymore and were not interested in being a Christian or going to church. Since this was my whole world at the time, it shook me to the core and started me on a journey of questioning my own faith.
I was fearful when my husband and I experienced a rocky season in our marriage, and I wasn’t sure if we would make it through.
I am hoping you could relate to something on my list of life experiences. If you are older, your fears might include aging, dementia, loss of a spouse, health issues, and any other number of things I have yet to experience.
My question for God is: “When these fears and anxieties surface due to change and circumstances beyond our control, how do we stay “awake and fearless”? How do we not flee, freeze, or fight? Here are five things I have learned to do in these times of stress and change.
#1 – Breathing. It sounds simple, but deep breathing is such a life saver in these stressful times.
#2- Worship. Where do you feel closest to God? I love to spend time with God in nature by the water. Some people love music, or art, or exercise. Do the things that bring you delight as a form of worship.
#3 – Remembering. Remind yourself of God’s faithfulness in the past and all the things He has brought you through. He will do it again.
#4 – Speak God’s promises. Go back to those life verses and promises from God’s word that speak to you personally. Write these words out on little cards or somewhere you can see them often. Memorize these words or put them into a song.
#5 – Tell someone else about your struggle. It can be powerful to share your need with another. When I have spoken my need out loud to a trusted friend, it has sometimes been so powerful that I have felt an actual weight lift off my shoulders.
Taking the first step to do something new you are afraid of can be hard. One of the things God has been challenging me in personally is my fear of public speaking. A couple years ago, I told God that if I was given an invitation to speak publicly, I would say YES. My first yes was speaking on a podcast, then another podcast. After that came an invitation to speak in person to a piano teacher’s group. Then came the invitation to speak at this women’s gathering of Summit Sisters. As I was walking to church one day, God brought my attention to the letters above the doors at each of the church entrances. The smallest door was labeled door A. Then the next biggest door was door B. The front, public facing doors on the main street are door C. God reminded me that his invitation to me is only what He knows I am able to handle. He will take me step by step through the doors as I am ready. He will hold my hand as I walk through each door and give me everything I need in that moment. If God is calling you to step into something new that is unfamiliar or scary, your job is to walk through door A.
The final picture I want to leave you with is of a person being carried down a river on an inner tube. Instead of putting their feet down in order to slow themselves down and control their direction, I see God’s invitation to us being, “Lean back and look up and see where the river takes you. You can trust me”