Midlife Creative

This fall I began a two-year training program to become a certified spiritual director. The program is online and through an organization called Christos. When I first started, I assumed this training would be a tool for me to help others. I had no idea how transformational it would be for me personally. The two BIG things I am learning are:

To embrace silence

and

To set aside my own agenda.

Every morning, I sit in my living room chair with a candle lit and write in my journal a conversation with God. I tell him what I’m thinking about and then listen to see if I hear anything back. Prayer has become equal parts talking and listening, but I believe the amount of listening will increase as time goes by and soon I may not do much talking at all. I ask God what he thinks about me and the other people in my life. I ask him what he thinks about what is happening in the world. I read the Bible slowly and don’t seek to get answers from it or an application. I simply want to know God’s heart for me. I want to BE with God and allow that time with Him to change me. I’m beginning to see connections throughout my life. There are threads in my teaching life and family life and on my commute that all connect together in amazing ways that I cannot plan for. Life has become more restful and less hectic. I am doing the same amount of teaching, but it feels lighter somehow. It’s hard to explain the shift in me, but it is very noticeable to my husband. He says he hardly recognizes me; I’ve changed so much.

I don’t say these things to brag, but to simply recognize that spending time alone with God daily has been transformational and healing.

Let me tell you a little bit about the training program for those who are curious. There are about 50 students from around the U.S. and a few International. We meet weekly on Zoom. We alternate weeks meeting in a large group or small group. In large groups we discuss a presentation we have watched in advance or a book we have read. We have a required reading list of approximately one book every 2 weeks. The books and presentations we’ve covered so far (just to name a few) have been about solitude and silence, the dark night of the soul, stages of faith, body prayer, contemplative practices, the reformation, and church history. Each week as I sit in on the large groups and mostly listen, I am aware that this is a group of people that are joined by some common threads. Most of us have been walking with God for a very long time and are tired of church as we’ve known it. We are longing for something deeper. The writings of the desert fathers and mothers and those living a monastic life are appealing to us. We desire to explore new ways of praying and new ways of being in the world. There is also a desire to reach those who are tired of running on a hamster wheel of American church programming. We are drawn to mystery and questions are welcomed. We long for a rich community life and authentic shared experiences.

On the weeks we do small group, I meet with four others for group spiritual direction. One person brings a concern or burden before the group and then the rest of us listen prayerfully and ask questions, helping the presenter for that day to listen to the Holy Spirit. It’s much more than that, but that is a very simple description. One thing we are not allowed to do is give advice or examples from our own life. This helps to avoid rabbit trails or sharing opinions. It is very different than Bible studies or even therapy. The focus is the movement of the Spirit in and around the person’s life and recognizing how they hear God and recognize him in their daily encounters.

There is also a writing portion of the program. Each month we write a reflection on what we are learning about ourselves and what we are recognizing. There are also other papers to write which are all reflective and not graded or critiqued. Our most recent assignment was to go to a place with people and simply sit and observe for 2 hours and then write about your observations. I went to the Mall of America. The purpose of the writing is for each participant’s own noticing’s and personal growth.

A 36-hour silent retreat is built into the first year. My silent retreat will take place in January at a retreat center called Pacem in Terrace. I had 4 different people mention it to me within a short time and I took that as a sign to go there. I’ll be staying in a cabin alone and not speaking to anyone while I’m there except for the person who will greet me and pray for me when I arrive and when I leave. Setting aside any agenda of my own for that time, I’m very curious as to how it will go. I’ll probably sleep a lot and write in my journal. Maybe I’ll do some art or take walks if it’s not too cold.

If this whole spiritual direction thing is intriguing to you, I would love to talk with you more. I believe the second year will include more one-to-one appointments with individuals. These can be done in person or on zoom. Spiritual direction appointments can be especially helpful for those in a time of life transition, faith transition, disillusioned by faith, or experiencing grief.

Taken from a presentation I gave at the Summit Sister’s monthly women’s gathering at Summit Church in St Paul.

“Today I want to talk about my lifelong battle with fear and anxiety. God has been inviting me to move from a state of being asleep and fearful to a state of being awake and ready for anything. When we are afraid, we often react in a fight, flight, or freeze response. We handle our anxiety by running away and hiding, getting stuck and not knowing how to move forward, or by trying to remain in control at all costs. I have coped with anxiety in all three of these ways.

I grew up extremely shy and cautious. I quickly adopted that label for myself and disqualified myself from doing anything outwardly loud or crazy. I was an introvert who was happy taking up space in the background and filling a supporter role.

When I met my husband, I was attracted to his loud and boisterous personality. He was impulsive and always changing the plans at the last minute. I admired his free spirit and outgoing way with people. I had never given myself permission to try on this type of personality. I was a rule follower who never took any chances. When I was around him, he challenged me to step out of my comfort zone. We got married and lived together for our first 5 years in the small town of Morris, MN. Our life was pretty simple back then, and we didn’t have much to be afraid of. Back then, my biggest hurdles were making a phone call or introducing myself to a stranger. I had never driven on a freeway and the rent in our first apartment was less than $200 a month.

My anxiety really didn’t come alive until I got pregnant with my first child. I remember lying in bed at night wondering what the birth would be like. I became so fearful that I would lie awake for hours gripped with fear. This was the first time I remember not feeling in control.

Anxiety surfaced again whenever there were big changes or unknowns in my life. I’m going to share a few things that caused fear to rise up in me.

I was fearful when I had to have an emergency C-section instead of a natural birth like I had expected with my first child.

I was fearful when my infant was taken by ambulance twice after having febrile seizures.

I was fearful when we had to move out of our duplex in Minneapolis with our two young children and back in with my parents, because we couldn’t afford our rent at the time.

I was fearful that we would lose our next house again because of financial stress and job loss.

I was fearful, but then relieved, when one of my children was diagnosed with autism. All of the questions about why they were different than other kids their age started to make more sense.

I was fearful when my child told me they were gay and transgender. This was mostly because it was such a foreign concept to me at the time, and I didn’t know how I would tell my family.

I was fearful when several people close to me told me they didn’t believe in God anymore and were not interested in being a Christian or going to church. Since this was my whole world at the time, it shook me to the core and started me on a journey of questioning my own faith.

I was fearful when my husband and I experienced a rocky season in our marriage, and I wasn’t sure if we would make it through.

I am hoping you could relate to something on my list of life experiences. If you are older, your fears might include aging, dementia, loss of a spouse, health issues, and any other number of things I have yet to experience.

My question for God is: “When these fears and anxieties surface due to change and circumstances beyond our control, how do we stay “awake and fearless”? How do we not flee, freeze, or fight? Here are five things I have learned to do in these times of stress and change.

#1 – Breathing. It sounds simple, but deep breathing is such a life saver in these stressful times.

#2- Worship. Where do you feel closest to God? I love to spend time with God in nature by the water. Some people love music, or art, or exercise. Do the things that bring you delight as a form of worship.

#3 – Remembering. Remind yourself of God’s faithfulness in the past and all the things He has brought you through. He will do it again.

#4 – Speak God’s promises. Go back to those life verses and promises from God’s word that speak to you personally. Write these words out on little cards or somewhere you can see them often. Memorize these words or put them into a song.

#5 – Tell someone else about your struggle. It can be powerful to share your need with another. When I have spoken my need out loud to a trusted friend, it has sometimes been so powerful that I have felt an actual weight lift off my shoulders.

Taking the first step to do something new you are afraid of can be hard. One of the things God has been challenging me in personally is my fear of public speaking. A couple years ago, I told God that if I was given an invitation to speak publicly, I would say YES. My first yes was speaking on a podcast, then another podcast. After that came an invitation to speak in person to a piano teacher’s group. Then came the invitation to speak at this women’s gathering of Summit Sisters. As I was walking to church one day, God brought my attention to the letters above the doors at each of the church entrances. The smallest door was labeled door A. Then the next biggest door was door B. The front, public facing doors on the main street are door C. God reminded me that his invitation to me is only what He knows I am able to handle. He will take me step by step through the doors as I am ready. He will hold my hand as I walk through each door and give me everything I need in that moment. If God is calling you to step into something new that is unfamiliar or scary, your job is to walk through door A.

The final picture I want to leave you with is of a person being carried down a river on an inner tube. Instead of putting their feet down in order to slow themselves down and control their direction, I see God’s invitation to us being, “Lean back and look up and see where the river takes you. You can trust me”