Midlife Creative

My husband reminded me recently that parenting can be thought of in 3 stages. I’m sure he heard it from someone else, and I’d love to quote the source if you know it.

Ages 0-12 – The Parent is the coach
During these years, we show our kids what to do and why. This is a season of intense training. We teach our kids so much of what they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

Ages 13-17 – The Parent is the cheerleader We step back and encourage our kids to live out what they know.

Ages 18+ – The Parent is the consultant During this phase, we can give advice, but only when asked or invited.

My oldest is 20 and my second is 18. Mark and I are stepping back and trusting that they have what it takes to make their own decisions. My youngest kids are 8 and 11 and still very much needing our coaching. I will be the first to admit that I get things wrong all the time with my oldest and my youngest. Thats why I need reminders like this.

Recognize the season you are in, ask for help, and give yourself grace

Growing up in an Evangelical Christian sub-culture, I digested a steady diet of the following expectations for women and mothers:

EXPECTATIONS

• Keep your household running smoothly.

• Raise respectful and kind children who share your values.

• Actively serve others and volunteer in your church, school, and community. Attend church, Sunday School, youth group, and Bible study.

• Throw birthday parties and baby showers and whatever other event is needed in your relational sphere.
  
• Send cards.
• Visit the elderly.
• Show hospitality by inviting others into your home often.

• Encourage your kids to go to vacation Bible school, retreats, camps, youth group, and short term mission trips.

• Make healthy home cooked meals everyday, sit around the table and eat as a family.
• Have a family devotion time where you pray and read the Bible
• Limit screen time. Don’t watch any movies above PG. Listen to Christian radio and music only

• Send your kids to Christian school or homeschool.

• Make sure your teenager gets their drivers license, makes good choices, and gets into a good college. Bonus points if they don’t drink, smoke, or have sex before marriage.

• Work on building a godly marriage. (marriage between a man and a woman). If there are conflicts, make them right. Go on weekly dates, attend marriage retreats, don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and divorce is not an option except in very extreme circumstances

• Keep your finances in order, stay out of debt, save, and make wise choices when it comes to money.
  

So the question becomes:

“What if my family isn’t looking much like that above list?

Take a look at your expectations for yourself and ask where those expectations came from. Maybe you have your own unique upbringing where expectations were communicated. Are they what you want, or what others expect from you?

Can you pinpoint who you are aside from the opinions of others? You can live a life uniquely YOUR OWN. There is freedom in that! Who is telling you how to parent and how to handle your relationships? Where are the ”shoulds“ coming from?

Much of life is out of your control. You cannot control your loved ones and they cannot control you. The life you envisioned for yourself may not be the life you are living.

You are finding your way and embracing real life in all its beautiful mess. Embrace the process of figuring yourself out. Its real work and it takes time.