My husband reminded me recently that parenting can be thought of in 3 stages. I’m sure he heard it from someone else, and I’d love to quote the source if you know it.
Ages 0-12 – The Parent is the coach During these years, we show our kids what to do and why. This is a season of intense training. We teach our kids so much of what they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
Ages 13-17 – The Parent is the cheerleader We step back and encourage our kids to live out what they know.
Ages 18+ – The Parent is the consultant During this phase, we can give advice, but only when asked or invited.
My oldest is 20 and my second is 18. Mark and I are stepping back and trusting that they have what it takes to make their own decisions. My youngest kids are 8 and 11 and still very much needing our coaching. I will be the first to admit that I get things wrong all the time with my oldest and my youngest. Thats why I need reminders like this.
Recognize the season you are in, ask for help, and give yourself grace
Growing up in an Evangelical Christian sub-culture, I digested a steady diet of the following expectations for women and mothers:
EXPECTATIONS
Keep your household running smoothly.
Raise respectful and kind children who share your values.
Actively serve others and volunteer in your church, school, and community. Attend church, Sunday School, youth group, and Bible study.
Throw birthday parties and baby showers and whatever other event is needed in your relational sphere.
Send cards.
Visit the elderly.
Show hospitality by inviting others into your home often.
Encourage your kids to go to vacation Bible school, retreats, camps, youth group, and short term mission trips.
Make healthy home cooked meals everyday, sit around the table and eat as a family.
Have a family devotion time where you pray and read the Bible
Limit screen time. Don’t watch any movies above PG. Listen to Christian radio and music only
Send your kids to Christian school or homeschool.
Make sure your teenager gets their drivers license, makes good choices, and gets into a good college. Bonus points if they don’t drink, smoke, or have sex before marriage.
Work on building a godly marriage. (marriage between a man and a woman). If there are conflicts, make them right. Go on weekly dates, attend marriage retreats, don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and divorce is not an option except in very extreme circumstances
Keep your finances in order, stay out of debt, save, and make wise choices when it comes to money.
So the question becomes:
“What if my family isn’t looking much like that above list?
Take a look at your expectations for yourself and ask where those expectations came from. Maybe you have your own unique upbringing where expectations were communicated. Are they what you want, or what others expect from you?
Can you pinpoint who you are aside from the opinions of others? You can live a life uniquely YOUR OWN. There is freedom in that! Who is telling you how to parent and how to handle your relationships? Where are the ”shoulds“ coming from?
Much of life is out of your control. You cannot control your loved ones and they cannot control you. The life you envisioned for yourself may not be the life you are living.
You are finding your way and embracing real life in all its beautiful mess. Embrace the process of figuring yourself out. Its real work and it takes time.
Are you part of a bilingual family? Do you know someone who is raising their children bilingual?
I chatted with Sunny Horstmann about what it was like to come from Taiwan to America at age 8, her love of language and culture, and her passion to pass these on to her children. Sunny and her husband currently reside in Kansas City, but in the early years of marriage lived in Taiwan for 3 years. After their first child was born, they moved across the world from Taiwan to rural Minnesota.
Moving to a small town where they were the only Mandarin speakers was challenging at first. One day at the farmers market, Sunny met a family who asked her to teach their daughter Chinese. This 1st grader began going over to Sunny’s house 4 afternoons a week for language lessons. About this time, Sunny also started a blog and began writing about her experiences in bilingual parenting. She also used the blog to share educational resources with other parents.
I love the fact that Sunny didn’t give up her dream of speaking only Mandarin to her young daughter in a community where she was the only one speaking the language. She could have easily said, ”This too hard. We are just going to speak English like everyone else.” Instead, she continued to live out her convictions. She started her blog as a creative outlet, and a way to connect with other families like hers around the world. Little did she know how much interest there would be and the impact she would make.
The blog has expanded and Sunny now has an instagram and facebook page as well She has also offered an online course along with personal coaching.
When I asked Sunny how she would describe herself, she said ”I’m a cheerleader for bilingual parents!” It’s so true. In one short conversation, I saw this unique gift on full display. Sunny is an example of a midlife creative who saw a need in her own life and wondered ”Are there others like me that need encouraging? How can I help?” Then she dived in and began to fill that need.
Here are a few examples of resources Sunny shares on her Instagram: printables, activities for holidays, language learning tips, lists of childrens books in Chinese, and articles for parents. It is a gold mine of content for anyone interested in learning about the joys and challenges of being a bilingual family.
Dustin and Sunny are a really wonderful couple with a huge heart for other people, but they will be the first to tell you life isn’t easy. They have walked through some challenges including miscarriage and infertility. When they found out they were pregnant with a 2nd child, they saw it as a miracle.
Coming out of a difficult season, Sunny felt God asking her the question, ”What do you want?” Can you dream again and share with me instead of saying its too hard?” Sunny admitted to God and to her husband that her dream was to go back to Taiwan and deliver her baby there. It looked like an impossibility, but as some of you know, God really loves surprising his kids when they begin dreaming. All the puzzle pieces fell into place and Sunny and Dustin and their daughter traveled to Taiwan and stayed 3 1/2 months.
Another miracle was that the same midwife that delivered their first child years earlier contacted them and offered to deliver their second baby in her home.
Did you know that after women have a baby in Taiwan they stay in a Postpartum Care Center for up to a month? You read that right! No going home to tough it out a day after giving birth. Sunny was given wonderful care, nutritious meals, and lots of TLC for both herself and the baby. She stayed for about 3 weeks. I asked if all women get this kind of special attention after giving birth. She said that it is the norm, and those who don’t go to the center get a postpartum doula who comes into the home to cook and perform the household duties during the first month. Pretty amazing, I’d say!
If you are interested in living or traveling in Taiwan, bilingual parenting, or tips on learning a language, you can catch up on Sunny’s wealth of writing and resources at https://spotofsunshine.com/ or on Instagram and Facebook @spotofsunshinechinese.
Thanks Sunny for sharing your experiences and knowledge! You are a gift to your family and to the world! Keep being that cheerleader and don’t forget to surround yourself with others who will cheer for you too!
