Midlife Creative

“Learn to love the kid you have, not the kid you thought you would have.”

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had my idea of how it would go. I imagined the birth and the early years. I always pictured my life with kids. It was a dream of mine. I thought being a mom would be the easiest thing in the world.

My kids would be sweet and quiet and thoughtful. They would enjoy reading, music, and participating in church activities. As teenagers, they would teach preschool Sunday school and go on mission trips to third world countries. They would love going to the library and ask me daily to read aloud to them. My kids would never raise their voices or speak unkindly. They would eat everything on their plates and always say thank you. They would never struggle with depression or anxiety. They would share with me everything on their minds and would most definitely never tell a lie.

I now see how clueless I was about parenting.
Here’s how I see it now, 19 years in.

Being a parent is seemingly endless days of taking care of another tiny human like nothing else matters. These days and sleepless nights turn into months and years. The cute babies turn into toddlers with tantrums and fevers and strange illnesses you never knew existed. When the diaper stage ends, you throw a celebration and breathe a collective sigh.

Early elementary school means finally getting a break (unless you homeschool) and re-assessing your priorities. You get a little bit of your life back and start sleeping through the night. These are the gravy years. There is the occasional case of head lice or stomach flu or a trip to the ER in the middle of the night, but overall it’s a great time for posting every moment with your adorable child on Facebook and Instagram.

School can be exhausting for some kids and if your kid is bullied, you feel it too. Picky eaters are a real thing (God, why?!) I never imagined I would give birth to a picky eater. If your child is neuro-divergent, you can become overwhelmed when you realize your kid isn’t like their peers. If your kid is __________ (fill in your own blank), you realize that the real marathon of being a supportive cheerleader for your child is just beginning.

Middle school and highschool bring questions like “What about cell phones and social media?” “What about dating and sex?” “What about friends and parties, curfews, jobs, driving?” You feel like you are always worried and wondering if you are doing things right.

As the years go by, you begin to get a glimpse of who your child is becoming. Their strengths and talents emerge. You have some proud moments where you see all the years of investment begin to bear fruit. There are also days when you say “What the hell?!” You find yourself swearing a lot more than usual. And also praying a lot more than usual.

Here is what I know. Not all are meant to have kids. I appreciate those who have chosen not to have kids or those who are unable to have kids just as much as those who do.

This post is mostly to say to those who are early in the kid game, be careful to keep an open mind and let your kids become who they are meant to be, not who you expect them to be. I now realize that if my kids would have become who I expected they would be, I would have never had the opportunity to grow and change into who I am becoming. My kids have helped make me stronger, wiser, and better. They have helped broaden my perspective and given me a greater empathy for people who are different than me. They have kept me curious, humble, and dependent on God and others.

Thanks kids! This momma is forever grateful for each of you being YOU!