Posted by Tagged with church, evolving faith, Faith Posted in Uncategorized

To church or not to church?

It’s Sunday. Growing up that meant going to church. We always went to church. The only reason we didn’t go is if we were sick or out of town. Even in a snowstorm, church was rarely cancelled. Those who were able found a way to get there. It was a family affair. Everyone went. No questions asked.

This fierce loyalty to a Sunday gathering of believers stuck with me through college and into adulthood. I simply COULD NOT skip church. Anytime I did, I heard a voice in my ear saying “don’t forsake the gathering of believers as some are in the habit of doing.” This was a Bible verse frequently quoted as a reason not to skip church.

I never asked myself if I liked going to church. It was just something I did. As I moved from place to place in my young adult life, I found myself finding a similar church in whatever new place I went. These churches all had in common an emphasis on loyalty and being “under authority”. Everyone loved you until you left. If you moved to another similar church, “fine”, but if you moved to a more “progressive or liberal church” or became Catholic or ELCA Lutheran (God forbid!) that was not OK. I could anticipate the shaking of the head and deep sigh from the church leaders as they watched people leave for other churches.

In my 30’s, I began to question my faith traditions for the first time. I became tired and disillusioned with church as I had always known it. A lot of it no longer seemed relevant. My husband and I decided to stop going to church on Sundays for awhile. It was such a strange feeling. We would go to parks and see families playing together and enjoying the weather and time in nature on a Sunday morning. They seemed so relaxed and happy. They weren’t thinking about who was in church and who wasn’t. After being in active ministry and highly involved in the ins and outs of a Sunday service for my entire life, this shift was just plain weird.

I started seeing the world through a non-church lens. I started meeting people on Sunday mornings that I never had time to meet when I was in church. I started Resting on Sundays. Those who have been in a ministry position know that Sundays are never restful. I started seeing the church as more than just a building where people gathered on Sundays at 10am. This break from church was an important time for me. A needed a change of pace to shake some unhelpful religious ideas off of me.

After awhile, I started to miss church services. I missed the singing, being able to ask someone for prayer, the pot luck dinners, the feeling of being a part of a community that cares for each other. I even missed the quirky and weird parts of church. Every church I’ve ever been to is just weird. Even the ones that are trying to not be. I went back again with new eyes. I saw all the flaws and I saw the trappings of trying to organize something that Jesus intended to be free flowing and organic. I saw the downsides to hierarchy and the pride in thinking we have it figured out or know the “right way”. I accepted the fact that church will never be what I want it to be. I accepted the fact that God is much bigger than one church or one type of church but still chooses to use the people in them.

How each believer chooses to “be the church” will look differently. I no longer judge someone who chooses to not “go to church” on Sunday. My husband doesn’t go to church and neither do my teenagers most of the time. I’m sad about that sometimes, but I never want them to feel that church attendance is required to gain my love and acceptance. I want my husband and kids’ faith to be their own. I now realize that there are lots of different ways that people choose to worship and I am not meant to be the judge of which way is best.

Today I woke up and didn’t feel like going to church. That old feeling of guilt came back as strong as ever and I lay in bed for a half hour wrestling with myself. Then, I decided to stay home. It was good and it was what was needed for today.

How about you? Do you have a complicated history with church? Do Sundays look the same for you now as they did as a child or young adult? I’d love to hear about it.



Posted by Tagged with autism, parenting, special needs kids Posted in Uncategorized

My kid isn’t like the others


When I see parents posting first day of school pictures of their kids with smiling faces heading off to school, I can’t help but think of the kids like mine, who found the school environment incredibly challenging.

My oldest has overcome a multitude of obstacles and is facing college head on this year, but it has not been easy. School has always been exhausting for Ellie, as someone on the autism spectrum. Bright fluorescent lights, noise, timed tests, confusing social interactions with peers, and the never ending feeling of being over stimulated. As parents, we wish our kids felt more at home in the world – and in the schools that are designed to fit some kids, but not all kids.

For those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing issues, anxiety, and other challenges, school can be extremely difficult. I remember looking around at parents of the “normal” kids in those smiling back to school pictures and thinking “they have no idea how easy they have it”. Nobody told us in the childbirth and early childhood classes how hard this would be. The formulas in the parenting books just don’t work for us. We’ve tried, believe me.

If you are a parent of an atypical child, I’m thinking of you as I see the back to school pics being posted. You want your kid to fit in, or at the very least, have someone to sit with at lunch. You want to shield them from embarrassment and pain. You want them to not just survive, but thrive. You want them to be themselves and be embraced for who they are.

Many teens like mine have found ways to cope in this world through therapy, medicine, and finding community with others who are like them.

If you are a young parent, worried about your child being different and not knowing where to turn, I know that feeling. I’ve been there. I remember having another parent tell me that their 1st grader could not be friends with my first grader because my child “couldn’t control themselves”. That hurt. I have also been in social situations where my child was having a meltdown and a roomful of people were staring at me as I helplessly stood there, not knowing what to do.

Parenting these amazing, unique kids is challenging, confusing, and overwhelming at times. I know you are doing your best and you are your child’s biggest cheerleader. I applaud you and encourage you to take a break and look after yourself. It’s gonna be ok. School is hard for kids like ours. Sometimes we get tired and pull them out, because it’s easier than seeing them suffer in an environment where their needs are not understood. Other times, we keep them in school and advocate for them, finding accommodations that help them to do their best. No kid is alike and there is no ready made solution. It is just plain hard, and I see that now more than ever.

My hope in writing this is for at least one parent of an atypical child to know they are not alone. If you have a friend who you know is struggling to understand their child and the challenges of school, reach out to them and listen. An understanding friend can make a world of difference for a parent who feels alone.

This photo of Ellie brings me joy. It communicates the life and joy that Atypical kids bring into the world. They are intense, sensitive, persistent, and we love them for it.