Cheers to the Helpers
It’s no surprise that I see myself as a helper. My desire to help comes largely from observing my parents who are both helpers.
My Dad was always picking up around the house when I was young. There were 7 kids, so no shortage of messes to pick up. We didn’t have a dish washer, so dishes were all done by hand. Dad would wash and us kids would take turns rinsing and drying. It was always a race to keep up with Dad’s washing. He was FAST! My dad was a teacher and principal, but before school he delivered newspapers to multiple routes. I think the paper routes started as my little brothers’ routes, but the boys grew tired of them and my dad took them over. I’m not quite sure how that worked, but the paper routes continued even after all the kids were grown. Dad also gave people rides to doctor appointments in Sioux Falls, SD and drove people to the Twin Cities occasionally when they didn’t have a car. He was quick to volunteer at church if someone had a need. He was known for leading backyard Bible clubs at the park and writing plays with his students for their dinner theater each year.
My mom always had a way with the elderly. I remember her visiting the nursing home most weekends when I was a child and then later in life it became her job as she did home health care. To this day, she can be found helping elderly ladies in her hometown of Marshall, MN with daily hygiene, grocery shopping, appointments, and companionship. She also cared for her mother, who moved in with my parents during her final years. When I had surgery a couple weeks ago, my mom came a filled our freezer with meals.
The helpers in my life don’t stop there. I also married into a family of helpers. Mark’s parents have been caregivers for several older family members and friends over the years. They took people into their home to live with them, treating them with great care. Their whole world is their kids and grandkids and anytime any of us need a ride or a favor, they are quick to jump in the car and meet the need, even if it means driving an hour or more. Mark’s mom
is always bringing us care packages of soups, puzzles, photo albums, and the latest and greatest cleaning supplies.
Being surrounded by so many helpers makes it feel natural for me to want to help. This has its ups and downsides. The benefits of helping are obvious and quickly applauded; the downsides are harder to see at first.
Here are a few challenges/downsides that helpers wrestle with.
#1. A tendency to want to avoid conflict.
We seek to meet every need before anyone feels uncomfortable. We want a peaceful environment where everyone gets along. Rocking the boat is to be avoided at all costs.
#2. A “need to be needed” is often common in helpers. When our helping is not acknowledged or reciprocated, we can become bitter and resentful. “Look at all I’ve done for you and you don’t even seem to care” is a common thought. Sometimes what we don’t realize is the person we have done so much for may have not even been asking for help in the first place. Helpers need to be aware of their own motivation. Are we giving in order to get something in return? Are we keeping score in our heads of who is returning our favors and who is not?
#3. Helpers have a tendency toward burn-out. We need to love ourselves as much as we love others. We need to take days and weeks off from helping. We must set boundaries for ourselves and get comfortable saying “no” or “that doesn’t work for me today”
As I have been recovering from surgery, it has become crystal clear how much helping I really do on a daily basis. This forced rest is helping me appreciate the helpers who have brought me meals, visited, and helped give the kids rides and done housework. Cheers to the helpers. You are important and loved.
